Joke of the day

[mauer]

A new pastor was visiting in the homes of his
parishioners.
At one house it seemed obvious that someone was at home,
but no answer came to his repeated knocks at the door.

Therefore, he took out a business card and wrote
"Revelation 3:20"
on the back of it and stuck it in the door.

When the offering was processed the following
Sunday, he found that his card had been returned.
Added to it was this cryptic message,
"Genesis 3:10."

Reaching for his Bible to check out the citation, he
broke up in gales of laughter.
Revelation 3:20 begins "Behold, Istand at the door and
knock."
Genesis 3:10 reads, "I heard your voice in
the garden and I was afraid for I was naked."

[Robi D]

The Jamaican Fireman

A Jamaican fireman came home from work one day and said to his wife,
Y'know sumptin womon, we have a wonderful new system at de fire station."

Bell 1 rings - we put on our jackets.

Bell 2 rings - we slide down de pole.

Bell 3 rings - we jump on de ingine and we's ready to go.


From now on womon, when I say, 'Bell one' I want you to strip naked.
When I say, 'Bell two' you jump on de bed. When I say, 'Bell three'
we's gonna mek love all tru de night girl."

The next night, he came home and shouted, "Bell One" and the wife
stripped naked! "Bell Two" and she jumped on the bed! "Bell Three"
and they started to make love!

After a few minutes, the wife yelled out, "Bell Four !!!!"

"WOMON .What de hell is 'Bell Four'?" he asked.

She replied, "Roll out more hose, man, you ain't nowhere near de fire

[Robi D]

A retired Italian wine maker went to the village
church to make his
confession for the first time in many decades.

When the priest slid open the panel in the
confessional, the man said,
"Father, during World War II, a beautiful woman
knocked on my door and
asked me to hide her from the enemy. I hid her in
my attic."

The priest replied, "That was a wonderful thing
you did, my son! You have no need to confess it."

"It's worse than that, Father," he continued. "She
quickly started to repay me with sexual favors."

"People in wartime sometimes act in ways they
wouldn't under normal
conditions. If you are truly sorry for your
actions, you are forgiven."

"Thank you, Father. That's a great load off my
mind. May I ask a question?"

"What, my son?"

"Should I tell her the war is over?"

[mauer]

sorry, picture is lost somewhere I think. Anyways, it was a picture of a reporter with his name underneath...."Willie Stroker"

[Beorn]

Not showing to me

[Robi D]

After he got a 'C' in his exam in "Logistics and Organization", a junior executive on the MBA programmed goes and confronts his professor about it.

Student: "Sir, do you really understand anything about the subject?"

Professor: "Surely I must. Otherwise I would not be a professor!"

Student: "Great, well then I would like to ask you a question. If you can give me the correct answer, I will accept my marks as they are and go. If you don't, I want you give me an "A" for the exam. "

Professor: "Okay, sounds reasonable. So, what is the question?"

Student: "What is legal but not logical, logical but not legal, and neither logical nor legal?"

Even after some long and hard thought, the professor cannot figure out the answer and, therefore, changes his exam marks to an "A", as agreed.

Afterwards, the professor calls on his best student and asks him the same question.

He immediately answers: "It's quite simple, Sir. You are 63 years old and married to a 35 year old woman, which is legal but not logical. Your wife has a 25 year old lover which is logical but not legal.. That you have given your wife's lover an "A" when he really should have failed, is neither legal nor logical!"

[mauer]

In 1986, Mike Membre was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Northwestern University

On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Membre approached it very carefully.

He got down on one knee and inspected the elephant's foot and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it.

As carefully and as gently as he could, Membre worked the wood out with his hunting knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot. The elephant turned to face the man, and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments.

Membre stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away. Membre never forgot that elephant or the events of that day. Twenty years later, Membre was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teenaged son.

As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Membre and his son Cantri were standing. The large bull elephant stared at Membre, lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.
Remembering the encounter in 1986, Membre couldn't help wondering if this was the same elephant.

Membre summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder. The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Membre' s legs and raised him high into the air and slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly.


Probably wasn't the same elephant

[mauer]

Forget Rednecks, here is what Jeff Foxworthy has to say about folks from Texas ...


If someone in a Lowe's store offers you assistance and they don't work there, you may live in Texas.



If you've worn shorts and a parka at the same time, you may live in Texas.



If you've had a lengthy telephone conversation with someone who dialed a wrong number, you may live in Texas.



If "Vacation" means going anywhere south of Dallas for the weekend, you may live in Texas.



If you measure distance in hours, you may live in Texas.



If you know several people who have hit a deer more than once, you may live in Texas.



If you install security lights on your house and garage, but leave both unlocked, you may live in Texas.



If you carry jumper cables in your car and your wife knows how to use them, you may live in Texas.



If the speed limit on the highway is 55 mph -- you're going 80 and everybody is passing you, you may live in Texas.



If you find 60 degrees "a little chilly", you may live in Texas

[Beorn]

This popped on my facebook list earlier this week, but in french/metric and with a lot of stuff turned around, like If you're finding 20° warm enough for shorts, you may live in Quebec.

[mauer]

Thanks for ruining my joke Beorn, sheesh, leave it to a bear.