Joke of the day - Page 13

Robi D · 01-12-2008, 11:03

> > Susie, a blonde Texas city girl, marries a Texas
> > rancher. One morning, on his way out to check on the
> > cows, the rancher says to Amy, "The insemination man
> > is coming over to impregnate one of our cows today.
> > I drove a nail into the two-by-four just above the
> > cow's stall in the barn. You show him where the cow
> > is when he gets here, okay?"
> >
> > So the rancher leaves for the fields. After a while,
> > the artificial insemination man arrives and knocks
> > on the front door. Amy takes him down to the barn
> > They walk along the row of cows and when she sees
> > the nail, she tells him, "This is the one..right
> > here." Terribly impressed by what he seemed to think
> > just might be another ditzy blonde, the man asks,
> > "Tell me little lady, how did you know this is the
> > cow to be bred?
> >
> > "That's simple. By the nail over its stall," Amy
> > explains very confidently.
> > Then the man asks, "What's the nail for?"
> >
> > She turns to walk away, and with complete
> > confidence, says:
> > "I guess it's to hang your pants on....."

BCLG100 · 01-12-2008, 14:04

what happened to susie?

Robi D · 22-03-2009, 08:06

Been a while since i posted one...

A chicken farmer went to a local bar. He sat next to a good-looking woman and ordered a glass of champagne.

The woman perks up and says, "How about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne too!"

"What a coincidence," the farmer says, "This is a special day for me.. I am celebrating."

"This is a special day for me too. I am also celebrating," says the woman.

"What a coincidence!" says the farmer.

As they clinked glasses, the man asked, "What are you celebrating?"

"My husband and I have been trying to have a child, and today my gynecologist told me that I am pregnant!"

"What a coincidence,' says the man, 'I'm a chicken farmer and for years all of my hens were infertile, but today
they are all laying fertilized eggs."

"That's great!" says the woman, 'How did your chickens become fertile?"

"I used a different cock." he replied.

The woman smiled and said, "What a coincidence....!"

romeothemonk · 22-03-2009, 12:58

Nice. I missed seeing these after a while.

Robi D · 02-04-2009, 13:34

Everyone - please be patient and read it to the end... it is worth it!

A guy has spent five years travelling all around the world making a documentary on Native dances. At the end of this time, he has every single native dance of every indigenous culture in the world on film. He winds up in Australia, in Alice Springs, so he pops into a pub for a well earned beer. He gets talking to one of the local Aborigines and tells him about his project.

The Aborigine asks the guy what he thought of the "Butcher Dance."

The guy's a bit confused and says, "Butcher Dance? What's that?"

"What? You no see Butcher Dance?"

"No, I've never heard of it."

"Oh mate. You crazy. How you say you film every native dance if you no see Butcher Dance?"

"Umm. I got a corroborree on film just the other week. Is that what you mean?"

"No no, not corroborree. Butcher Dance much more important than corroborree."

"Oh, well how can I see this Butcher Dance then?"

"Mate, Butcher Dance right out bush. Many days travel to go see Butcher Dance."

"Look, I've been everywhere from the forests of the Amazon, to deepest darkest Africa, to the frozen wastes of the Arctic filming these dances. Nothing will prevent me from recording this one last dance."

"OK, mate. You drive north along highway towards Darwin. After you drive 197 miles, you see dirt track veer off to left. Follow dirt track for 126 miles 'til you see big huge dead gum tree - biggest tree you ever see. Here you gotta leave the car, because much too rough for driving.

You strike out due west into setting sun. You walk 3 days 'til you hit creek. You follow this creek to Northwest. After 2 days you find where creek flows out of rocky mountains. Much too difficult to cross mountains here though. You now head south for half day 'til you see pass through mountains.

Pass very difficult and very dangerous. Take 2, maybe 3 days to get through rocky pass. When through, head northwest for 4 days 'til reach big huge rock - 20 ft high and shaped like man's head. From rock, walk due west for 2 days and you find camp. Here you see Butcher Dance."

So the guy grabs his camera crew and equipment and heads out. After a couple of hours he finds the dirt track. The track is in a shocking state and he's forced to crawl along at a snails pace and so he doesn't reach the tree until dusk and he's forced to set up camp for the night.

He sets out bright and early the following morning. His spirits are high and he's excited about the prospect of capturing on film this mysterious dance which he had never heard mention of before.

True to the directions he has been given, he reaches the creek after three days and follows it for another two until they reach the rocky mountains. The merciless sun is starting to take its toll by this time and his spirits are starting to flag, but wearily he trudges on until he finds the pass through the hills - nothing will prevent him from completing his life's dream.

The mountains prove to be every bit as treacherous as their guide said and at times they almost despair of getting their bulky equipment through. But after three and a half days of back breaking effort they finally force their way clear and continue their long trek.

When they reach the huge rock, four days later, their water is running low and their feet are covered with blisters. Yet they steel themselves and head out on the last leg of their journey.

Two days later they virtually stagger into the camp where the men feed them and give them fresh water. They begin to feel like new men.

Once he's recovered enough, the guy goes before the head man and tells him that he has come to film their Butcher Dance.

"Oh mate. Very bad you come today. Butcher Dance last night. You too late. You miss dance."

"Well, when do you hold the next dance?"

"Not 'til next year."

"Well, I've come all this way. Couldn't you just hold an extra dance for me, tonight?"

"No, no, no! Butcher Dance very special to the spirits. Only hold once a year. If hold more, they get very angry and destroy us! You want see Butcher Dance you come back next year."

The guy is devastated, but he has no other option but to head back to civilization and back home.

The following year, he heads back to Australia and, determined not to miss out again, sets out a week earlier than last time. He is quite willing to spend a week in the camp before the dance is performed in order to ensure he is present to witness it. However, right from the start things go wrong.

Heavy rains that year have turned the dirt track to mud and the car gets bogged every few miles, finally forcing them to abandon their vehicles and slog through the mud on foot almost half the distance to the tree.

They reach the creek and the mountains without any further hitch, but halfway through the ascent of the mountain they are struck by a fierce storm which rages for several days, during which they are forced to cling forlornly to the mountainside until it subsides. It would be suicide to attempt to scale the treacherous paths in the face of such savage elements.

Then, before they have travelled a mile out from the mountains, one of the crew sprains his ankle badly which slows down the rest of their journey enormously, to the rock and then the camp.

Eventually, having lost all sense of how long they have been travelling, they stagger into the camp at about 12:00 noon.

"The Butcher Dance!" gasps the guy. "Please don't tell me I'm too late!"

The head man recognizes him and says "No, white fella. Butcher Dance performed tonight. You come just in time."

Relieved beyond measure, the crew spends the rest of the afternoon setting up their equipment - preparing to capture the night's ritual on celluloid as dusk falls, the men start to cover there bodies in ochre and adorn themselves in all manner of bird's feathers and animal skins.

Once darkness has settled fully over the land, the men form a circle around a huge roaring fire.

A deathly hush descends over performers and spectators alike as a wizened old figure with elaborate swirling designs covering his entire body enters the circle and begins to chant. Some sort of witch doctor or medicine man, figures the guy and he whispers to the head man, "What's he doing?"

"Hush," whispers the head man. "You first white man ever to see most sacred of our rituals. Must remain silent. Kadaicha man, he asks that the spirits of the dreamtime watch as we demonstrate our devotion to them through our dance and, if they like our dancing, will they be so gracious as to watch over us and protect us for another year."

The chanting of the Kadaicha man reaches a stunning crescendo before he moves himself from the circle. From somewhere the rhythmic pounding of clap sticks booms out across the land and the men begin to sway to the stirring rhythm.

The guy is becoming caught up in the fervor of the moment himself. This is it. He now realizes beyond all doubt that his wait has not been in vain. He is about to witness the ultimate performance of rhythm and movement ever conceived by mankind.

The head man strides to his position in the circle and, in a big booming voice, starts to sing,

He says, "You butch yer right arm in. You butch yer right arm out. You butch yer right arm in and you shake it all about..."

Robi D · 07-04-2009, 08:00

A vampire bat came flapping in from the night, face all covered in
fresh blood and parked himself on the roof of the cave to get some
sleep.

Pretty soon all the other bats smelled the blood & began hassling him
about where he got it. He told them to piss off & let him get some
sleep, but they persisted until he finally gave in.

"OK, follow me", he said & flew out of the cave with hundreds of excited
bats behind him.

Down through a valley they went, across a river & into a huge forest.
Finally he slowed down & all the other bats excitedly milled
around him, tongues hanging out for blood. "Do you see that
large oak tree over there?" he asked.

"YES, YES, YES!!!" the bats all screamed in a frenzy.

"Good for you!" said the bat, "Because I fucking didn't."

Shabbaman · 07-04-2009, 09:22

Last week I was sick and I barely couldn't read that butcher song joke, since it's so fucking long, tl;dr. But I still don't get it.

Robi D · 07-04-2009, 11:48

Quote:

Originally Posted by Shabbaman

Last week I was sick and I barely couldn't read that butcher song joke, since it's so fucking long, tl;dr. But I still don't get it.

Its the Hokey-Pokey with a bad accent

Aggie · 07-04-2009, 12:31

Quote:

Originally Posted by Robi D

Its the Hokey-Pokey with a bad accent

It's great

Robi D · 15-04-2009, 07:18

Can't help but laugh

01-12-2008, 11:03	#121
Robi D King Join Date: Aug 2006 Location: Adelaide, Australia. Posts: 2,060	> > Susie, a blonde Texas city girl, marries a Texas > > rancher. One morning, on his way out to check on the > > cows, the rancher says to Amy, "The insemination man > > is coming over to impregnate one of our cows today. > > I drove a nail into the two-by-four just above the > > cow's stall in the barn. You show him where the cow > > is when he gets here, okay?" > > > > So the rancher leaves for the fields. After a while, > > the artificial insemination man arrives and knocks > > on the front door. Amy takes him down to the barn > > They walk along the row of cows and when she sees > > the nail, she tells him, "This is the one..right > > here." Terribly impressed by what he seemed to think > > just might be another ditzy blonde, the man asks, > > "Tell me little lady, how did you know this is the > > cow to be bred? > > > > "That's simple. By the nail over its stall," Amy > > explains very confidently. > > Then the man asks, "What's the nail for?" > > > > She turns to walk away, and with complete > > confidence, says: > > "I guess it's to hang your pants on....." __________________ "I'm altering the deal, prey I don't alter it further" Darth Vader "We shall defend what is ours. We shall never surrender" --Kosovo is Serbia!

01-12-2008, 14:04	#122
BCLG100 Deity Join Date: Apr 2006 Location: Lahndan Posts: 6,220	what happened to susie? __________________ the sooner you fall behind, the more time you\'ll have to catch up! CDZ Cup Champion!!!

22-03-2009, 08:06	#123
Robi D King Join Date: Aug 2006 Location: Adelaide, Australia. Posts: 2,060	Been a while since i posted one... A chicken farmer went to a local bar. He sat next to a good-looking woman and ordered a glass of champagne. The woman perks up and says, "How about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne too!" "What a coincidence," the farmer says, "This is a special day for me.. I am celebrating." "This is a special day for me too. I am also celebrating," says the woman. "What a coincidence!" says the farmer. As they clinked glasses, the man asked, "What are you celebrating?" "My husband and I have been trying to have a child, and today my gynecologist told me that I am pregnant!" "What a coincidence,' says the man, 'I'm a chicken farmer and for years all of my hens were infertile, but today they are all laying fertilized eggs." "That's great!" says the woman, 'How did your chickens become fertile?" "I used a different cock." he replied. The woman smiled and said, "What a coincidence....!" __________________ "I'm altering the deal, prey I don't alter it further" Darth Vader "We shall defend what is ours. We shall never surrender" --Kosovo is Serbia!

22-03-2009, 12:58	#124
romeothemonk King Join Date: Aug 2004 Location: Yankton, SD. Posts: 1,310	Nice. I missed seeing these after a while. __________________ I am not crazy cause I take the right pills..................................... Everyday

02-04-2009, 13:34	#125
Robi D King Join Date: Aug 2006 Location: Adelaide, Australia. Posts: 2,060	Everyone - please be patient and read it to the end... it is worth it! A guy has spent five years travelling all around the world making a documentary on Native dances. At the end of this time, he has every single native dance of every indigenous culture in the world on film. He winds up in Australia, in Alice Springs, so he pops into a pub for a well earned beer. He gets talking to one of the local Aborigines and tells him about his project. The Aborigine asks the guy what he thought of the "Butcher Dance." The guy's a bit confused and says, "Butcher Dance? What's that?" "What? You no see Butcher Dance?" "No, I've never heard of it." "Oh mate. You crazy. How you say you film every native dance if you no see Butcher Dance?" "Umm. I got a corroborree on film just the other week. Is that what you mean?" "No no, not corroborree. Butcher Dance much more important than corroborree." "Oh, well how can I see this Butcher Dance then?" "Mate, Butcher Dance right out bush. Many days travel to go see Butcher Dance." "Look, I've been everywhere from the forests of the Amazon, to deepest darkest Africa, to the frozen wastes of the Arctic filming these dances. Nothing will prevent me from recording this one last dance." "OK, mate. You drive north along highway towards Darwin. After you drive 197 miles, you see dirt track veer off to left. Follow dirt track for 126 miles 'til you see big huge dead gum tree - biggest tree you ever see. Here you gotta leave the car, because much too rough for driving. You strike out due west into setting sun. You walk 3 days 'til you hit creek. You follow this creek to Northwest. After 2 days you find where creek flows out of rocky mountains. Much too difficult to cross mountains here though. You now head south for half day 'til you see pass through mountains. Pass very difficult and very dangerous. Take 2, maybe 3 days to get through rocky pass. When through, head northwest for 4 days 'til reach big huge rock - 20 ft high and shaped like man's head. From rock, walk due west for 2 days and you find camp. Here you see Butcher Dance." So the guy grabs his camera crew and equipment and heads out. After a couple of hours he finds the dirt track. The track is in a shocking state and he's forced to crawl along at a snails pace and so he doesn't reach the tree until dusk and he's forced to set up camp for the night. He sets out bright and early the following morning. His spirits are high and he's excited about the prospect of capturing on film this mysterious dance which he had never heard mention of before. True to the directions he has been given, he reaches the creek after three days and follows it for another two until they reach the rocky mountains. The merciless sun is starting to take its toll by this time and his spirits are starting to flag, but wearily he trudges on until he finds the pass through the hills - nothing will prevent him from completing his life's dream. The mountains prove to be every bit as treacherous as their guide said and at times they almost despair of getting their bulky equipment through. But after three and a half days of back breaking effort they finally force their way clear and continue their long trek. When they reach the huge rock, four days later, their water is running low and their feet are covered with blisters. Yet they steel themselves and head out on the last leg of their journey. Two days later they virtually stagger into the camp where the men feed them and give them fresh water. They begin to feel like new men. Once he's recovered enough, the guy goes before the head man and tells him that he has come to film their Butcher Dance. "Oh mate. Very bad you come today. Butcher Dance last night. You too late. You miss dance." "Well, when do you hold the next dance?" "Not 'til next year." "Well, I've come all this way. Couldn't you just hold an extra dance for me, tonight?" "No, no, no! Butcher Dance very special to the spirits. Only hold once a year. If hold more, they get very angry and destroy us! You want see Butcher Dance you come back next year." The guy is devastated, but he has no other option but to head back to civilization and back home. The following year, he heads back to Australia and, determined not to miss out again, sets out a week earlier than last time. He is quite willing to spend a week in the camp before the dance is performed in order to ensure he is present to witness it. However, right from the start things go wrong. Heavy rains that year have turned the dirt track to mud and the car gets bogged every few miles, finally forcing them to abandon their vehicles and slog through the mud on foot almost half the distance to the tree. They reach the creek and the mountains without any further hitch, but halfway through the ascent of the mountain they are struck by a fierce storm which rages for several days, during which they are forced to cling forlornly to the mountainside until it subsides. It would be suicide to attempt to scale the treacherous paths in the face of such savage elements. Then, before they have travelled a mile out from the mountains, one of the crew sprains his ankle badly which slows down the rest of their journey enormously, to the rock and then the camp. Eventually, having lost all sense of how long they have been travelling, they stagger into the camp at about 12:00 noon. "The Butcher Dance!" gasps the guy. "Please don't tell me I'm too late!" The head man recognizes him and says "No, white fella. Butcher Dance performed tonight. You come just in time." Relieved beyond measure, the crew spends the rest of the afternoon setting up their equipment - preparing to capture the night's ritual on celluloid as dusk falls, the men start to cover there bodies in ochre and adorn themselves in all manner of bird's feathers and animal skins. Once darkness has settled fully over the land, the men form a circle around a huge roaring fire. A deathly hush descends over performers and spectators alike as a wizened old figure with elaborate swirling designs covering his entire body enters the circle and begins to chant. Some sort of witch doctor or medicine man, figures the guy and he whispers to the head man, "What's he doing?" "Hush," whispers the head man. "You first white man ever to see most sacred of our rituals. Must remain silent. Kadaicha man, he asks that the spirits of the dreamtime watch as we demonstrate our devotion to them through our dance and, if they like our dancing, will they be so gracious as to watch over us and protect us for another year." The chanting of the Kadaicha man reaches a stunning crescendo before he moves himself from the circle. From somewhere the rhythmic pounding of clap sticks booms out across the land and the men begin to sway to the stirring rhythm. The guy is becoming caught up in the fervor of the moment himself. This is it. He now realizes beyond all doubt that his wait has not been in vain. He is about to witness the ultimate performance of rhythm and movement ever conceived by mankind. The head man strides to his position in the circle and, in a big booming voice, starts to sing, He says, "You butch yer right arm in. You butch yer right arm out. You butch yer right arm in and you shake it all about..." __________________ "I'm altering the deal, prey I don't alter it further" Darth Vader "We shall defend what is ours. We shall never surrender" --Kosovo is Serbia!

07-04-2009, 08:00	#126
Robi D King Join Date: Aug 2006 Location: Adelaide, Australia. Posts: 2,060	A vampire bat came flapping in from the night, face all covered in fresh blood and parked himself on the roof of the cave to get some sleep. Pretty soon all the other bats smelled the blood & began hassling him about where he got it. He told them to piss off & let him get some sleep, but they persisted until he finally gave in. "OK, follow me", he said & flew out of the cave with hundreds of excited bats behind him. Down through a valley they went, across a river & into a huge forest. Finally he slowed down & all the other bats excitedly milled around him, tongues hanging out for blood. "Do you see that large oak tree over there?" he asked. "YES, YES, YES!!!" the bats all screamed in a frenzy. "Good for you!" said the bat, "Because I fucking didn't." __________________ "I'm altering the deal, prey I don't alter it further" Darth Vader "We shall defend what is ours. We shall never surrender" --Kosovo is Serbia!

07-04-2009, 09:22	#127
Shabbaman Administrator Join Date: Mar 2003 Location: Costa La Haya Posts: 8,493	Last week I was sick and I barely couldn't read that butcher song joke, since it's so fucking long, tl;dr. But I still don't get it. __________________ "Our spam is backed with COMETS!"

15-04-2009, 07:18	#130
Robi D King Join Date: Aug 2006 Location: Adelaide, Australia. Posts: 2,060	Can't help but laugh __________________ "I'm altering the deal, prey I don't alter it further" Darth Vader "We shall defend what is ours. We shall never surrender" --Kosovo is Serbia!