Joke of the day

[Beorn]

And I question your sources: do Americans really leave anything unlocked, ever? DOORS?!

[mauer]

We leave our side door unlocked all day long. Just lock it when we go to bed. Can't remember the last time I locked my car door to be honest.

[Beorn]

Locking the door when you go to bed is abnormal to me. Locking it when you go away is common mind you, but I know of no one that locks anything when they're around. Maybe my father's paranoid gf would, but she's off charts by our norms.

[Robi D]

The Canadian Mountie was ambushed and captured by an enemy Indian war party.

The Indian Chief proclaims, "So, you are a great Canadian
Mountie. In honour of the Harvest Festival, you will be executed in three days.
But, before I kill you, I will grant you three requests.
What is your first request?"

The Canadian Mountie responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse.
The Chief nods and the horse is brought before the Canadian
Mountie, who whispers in his ear and the horse gallops away.
Later that evening, the horse returns with a beautiful blonde woman on his back.
As the Indian Chief watches, the blonde enters the Mountie's tent and spends the night.

The next morning the Indian Chief admits he's impressed.
"You have a very fine and loyal horse but I will still kill you in two days.
What is your second request?"

The Canadian Mountie again asks to speak to his horse.
The horse is brought to him, and he again whispers in the horse's ear.
As before, the horse takes off across the plains and disappears over the horizon. Later that evening, to the Chief's surprise, he again returns, this time with a brunette, even more attractive than the blonde.
She enters the Canadian Mountie's tent and spends the night.
The following morning the Indian Chief is again impressed.

"You are indeed a man of many talents but I still kill you tomorrow.
"What is your last request?"

The Canadian Mountie responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse .alone."
The Chief is curious but he agrees and the horse is brought once again to the Canadian Mountie's tent.

Once they're alone, the Canadian Mountie grabs his horse by both ears, looks him square in the eye and says, "Listen very carefully you dumb ass horse.

For the last time . . . BRING POSSE!!!!"

[Robi D]

Paddy and his missus are lying in bed listening to the next door neighbours' dog barking.

It had been barking for hours and hours. Suddenly Paddy jumps up out of bed and says "I've had enough of this".

He goes downstairs. Paddy finally comes back up to bed and his wife says, "The dog is still barking. What have you been doing?"

Paddy says "I've put the dog in our yard . Fookin' see how THEY like it !"

[Robi D]

A police question

Question: How do you tell the difference between:-
A New Zealand Police Officer, An Australian Police Officer and An American Police Officer?

To obtain the answer you must pose the following question to the Officer;

"You're walking down a deserted street with your wife and two small
children. Suddenly, a dangerous looking man with a huge knife comes
around the corner, locks eyes with you, screams obscenities, raises the knife, and charges.

You are carrying a Glock .40, and you are an expert shot. You have
mere seconds before he reaches you and your family. What do you do?"


NZ POLICE OFFICER'S Answer:

" Well, that's not enough information to answer the question!

Does the man look poor or oppressed?

Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack?

Could I possibly swing the gun like a club and knock the knife out of his hand?

What does the law say about this situation?

Does the Glock have appropriate safety built into it, am I using it in an OSH approved fashion?

Why am I carrying a loaded gun anyway, and what kind of message does this send to society and to my children?

If I raise my gun and he turns and runs away, Do I get blamed when he falls over running away, knocks his head and kills himself?

Will the NZ tax payer foot the bill for his ACC claim if I injure him?

If I shoot him, and lose the court case. Does he have the opportunity to sue me, cost me my job, my credibility and I will lose my family home?

Am I being culturally sensitive to the attacker if I shoot him, will I be offending his mana if I wound or kill him?

Will I have to defend myself in court as a racist if I shoot him? "


Australian Officer's Answer:

BANG!


American Officer's Answer

BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!
Click (changing magazine) BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!

[romeothemonk]

Pretty good, but I usually have heard this one as a Democrat, a Republican and a Hillbilly.

[mauer]

The world according to US


61.18KB

[Robi D]

Aren't you going to get into trouble for posting the presidents confidential foreign report he gets every morning

[Robi D]

A woman was in town on a shopping trip. She began her day finding the most perfect shoes in the first shop and a beautiful dress on sale in the second.

In the third everything had just been reduced to a fiver when her mobile phone rang.

It was a female doctor notifying her that her husband had just been in a terrible accident and was in critical condition and in the ICU.

The woman told the doctor to inform her husband where she was and that she'd be there as soon as possible.

As she hung up she realized she was leaving what was shaping up to be her best day ever in the shops.

She decided to get in a couple of more shops before heading to the hospital.

She ended up shopping the rest of the morning, finishing her trip with a cup of coffee and a beautiful coffee slice complimentary from the last shop

She was jubilant. Then she remembered her husband.

Feeling guilty, she dashed to the hospital.

She saw the doctor in the corridor and asked about her Husband's condition.

The lady doctor glared at her and shouted, 'You went ahead and finished your shopping trip didn't you! I hope you're proud of yourself!

While you were out for the past four hours enjoying yourself in town, your husband has been languishing in the Intensive Care Unit!

It's just as well you went ahead and finished, because it will be more than likely the last shopping trip you ever take!

For the rest of his life he will require round the clock care. And you'll now be his carer!'

The woman was feeling so guilty she broke down and sobbed...........


The lady doctor then chuckled and said, 'I'm just pulling your leg.

He's dead. What did you buy?'