Joke of the day - Page 15

Shabbaman · 16-04-2009, 15:08

I can imagine that getting kids is very important to you, but I don't understand why they wouldn't try something like IVF instead. This story sounds like a big fat hoax.

Matrix · 29-05-2009, 12:34

A commentator after the Champions League final:
"And there's [Italian] prime minister Berlusconi. His girlfriend is not present. Perhaps she has a school party."

Lt. Killer M · 29-05-2009, 13:20

This story smells fake to me. Traute, Herr Maus...... that's the names an American or Brit would dream up.

ProPain · 29-05-2009, 13:53

Funny story but I suspect a hoax as well. I think the commentator's remark is good fun also.

Robi D · 30-05-2009, 04:40

Proudly showing off his newly-leased downtown apartment to a couple of friends late one night, a drunk Maori led the way to his bedroom where there was a big brass gong hanging on the wall.

'What's that big brass gong for?' one of the friend's asked.

'Issss nod a gong. Issss a talking Australian clock' he drunkenly replied.

'A talking Australian clock - seriously?'

'Yup.' 'Hmmm (hic).'

'How's it work?' the second friend asked, squinting at it.

'Just watch' he said.

He picked up a hammer, gave the gong an 'ear-shattering bash' and stepped back.

His three mates stood looking at one another for a moment in astounded silence.

Suddenly, a Australian voice from the other side of the wall screamed,

'For f*#k's sake, you stupid c*nt . It's ten past three in the f*#king morning !!!'

Matrix · 30-05-2009, 10:45

Good one.

ProPain · 30-05-2009, 11:38

brilliant

Robi D · 19-10-2009, 14:27

(For the non-aussies just think FA Cup Final or Superbowl)

It's the AFL Grand final and a man makes his way to his seat. He sits down, noticing that the seat next to him is empty.

He leans over and asks his neighbour if someone will be sitting there.

'No,' says the neighbour. 'The seat is empty.' 'This is incredible', said the man.

'Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for AFL Grand final and not use it?'

The neighbour says 'Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first AFL Grand final we haven't been to together since we got married in 1967.'

'Oh .... I'm sorry to hear that mate. That's terrible. But couldn't you find someone else, a friend or relative, or even a neighbour to take the seat?'

The man shakes his head 'No, they're all at the funeral.'

Robi D · 20-10-2009, 15:20

An armed hold-up man bursts into the Bank of Ireland and forces the tellers to load a sack full of cash. On his way out the door with the loot one brave Irish customer grabs the hood and pulls it off revealing the robber's face. The robber shoots the guy without hesitation! He then looks around the bank to see if anyone else has seen him. One of the tellers is looking straight at him and the robber shoots him also. Everyone by now is very scared and looking down at the floor. “Did anyone else see my face?” calls the robber. There are a few moments of silence, then one elderly Irish gent tentatively raises his hand and says:
"I think my wife may have caught a glimpse" .

Matrix · 03-02-2010, 23:43

The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid-term.
Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?
Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.
One student, however, wrote the following:
First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.
This gives two possibilities:
1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.
2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.
So which is it? If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, "It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you," and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct...leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting "Oh my God."
THIS STUDENT RECEIVED THE ONLY "A".

16-04-2009, 15:08	#141
Shabbaman Administrator Join Date: Mar 2003 Location: Costa La Haya Posts: 8,494	I can imagine that getting kids is very important to you, but I don't understand why they wouldn't try something like IVF instead. This story sounds like a big fat hoax. __________________ "Our spam is backed with COMETS!"

29-05-2009, 12:34	#142
Matrix Administrator Join Date: Mar 2003 Location: Tampere, Finland Posts: 4,828	A commentator after the Champions League final: "And there's [Italian] prime minister Berlusconi. His girlfriend is not present. Perhaps she has a school party." __________________

29-05-2009, 13:20	#143
Lt. Killer M Emperor Join Date: Mar 2003 Location: HAWK!. Posts: 4,365	This story smells fake to me. Traute, Herr Maus...... that's the names an American or Brit would dream up. __________________ One more turn..... just one more turn... one MORE!

29-05-2009, 13:53	#144
ProPain Customized Admin :) Join Date: Mar 2003 Location: sailing the seas of cheese. Posts: 5,852	Funny story but I suspect a hoax as well. I think the commentator's remark is good fun also. __________________ I fed my Dog the American Dream Well, he rolled over and he started to scream He said, I dig the taste of salt but it don't keep me alive yeah, yeah

30-05-2009, 04:40	#145
Robi D King Join Date: Aug 2006 Location: Adelaide, Australia. Posts: 2,060	Proudly showing off his newly-leased downtown apartment to a couple of friends late one night, a drunk Maori led the way to his bedroom where there was a big brass gong hanging on the wall. 'What's that big brass gong for?' one of the friend's asked. 'Issss nod a gong. Issss a talking Australian clock' he drunkenly replied. 'A talking Australian clock - seriously?' 'Yup.' 'Hmmm (hic).' 'How's it work?' the second friend asked, squinting at it. 'Just watch' he said. He picked up a hammer, gave the gong an 'ear-shattering bash' and stepped back. His three mates stood looking at one another for a moment in astounded silence. Suddenly, a Australian voice from the other side of the wall screamed, 'For f#k's sake, you stupid cnt . It's ten past three in the f#king morning !!!' __________________ "I'm altering the deal, prey* I don't alter it further" Darth Vader "We shall defend what is ours. We shall never surrender" --Kosovo is Serbia!

30-05-2009, 10:45	#146
Matrix Administrator Join Date: Mar 2003 Location: Tampere, Finland Posts: 4,828	Good one. __________________

30-05-2009, 11:38	#147
ProPain Customized Admin :) Join Date: Mar 2003 Location: sailing the seas of cheese. Posts: 5,852	brilliant __________________ I fed my Dog the American Dream Well, he rolled over and he started to scream He said, I dig the taste of salt but it don't keep me alive yeah, yeah

19-10-2009, 14:27	#148
Robi D King Join Date: Aug 2006 Location: Adelaide, Australia. Posts: 2,060	(For the non-aussies just think FA Cup Final or Superbowl) It's the AFL Grand final and a man makes his way to his seat. He sits down, noticing that the seat next to him is empty. He leans over and asks his neighbour if someone will be sitting there. 'No,' says the neighbour. 'The seat is empty.' 'This is incredible', said the man. 'Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for AFL Grand final and not use it?' The neighbour says 'Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first AFL Grand final we haven't been to together since we got married in 1967.' 'Oh .... I'm sorry to hear that mate. That's terrible. But couldn't you find someone else, a friend or relative, or even a neighbour to take the seat?' The man shakes his head 'No, they're all at the funeral.' __________________ "I'm altering the deal, prey I don't alter it further" Darth Vader "We shall defend what is ours. We shall never surrender" --Kosovo is Serbia!

20-10-2009, 15:20	#149
Robi D King Join Date: Aug 2006 Location: Adelaide, Australia. Posts: 2,060	An armed hold-up man bursts into the Bank of Ireland and forces the tellers to load a sack full of cash. On his way out the door with the loot one brave Irish customer grabs the hood and pulls it off revealing the robber's face. The robber shoots the guy without hesitation! He then looks around the bank to see if anyone else has seen him. One of the tellers is looking straight at him and the robber shoots him also. Everyone by now is very scared and looking down at the floor. “Did anyone else see my face?” calls the robber. There are a few moments of silence, then one elderly Irish gent tentatively raises his hand and says: "I think my wife may have caught a glimpse" . __________________ "I'm altering the deal, prey I don't alter it further" Darth Vader "We shall defend what is ours. We shall never surrender" --Kosovo is Serbia!

03-02-2010, 23:43	#150
Matrix Administrator Join Date: Mar 2003 Location: Tampere, Finland Posts: 4,828	The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid-term. Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)? Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant. One student, however, wrote the following: First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added. This gives two possibilities: 1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose. 2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over. So which is it? If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, "It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you," and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct...leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting "Oh my God." THIS STUDENT RECEIVED THE ONLY "A". __________________