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Old 21-11-2007, 10:31   #101
Robi D
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Ahmed and Hamid are both beggars at several motorway services.

Ahmed drives a Mercedes, lives in a mortgage free house and has a lot of money to spend .

Hamid only brings in 2 to 3 pounds a day.

Hamid asks Ahmed how he manages to bring home a suitcase full of £10 notes every day.

Ahmed says, "Look at your sign - It says, 'I have no work, a wife and six kids to support.' Britons who see that, do not feel as if they have accomplished anything by giving you money. You will still have no job and a large family. Now look at my sign."

So Hamid looks and Ahmed's sign reads, 'I only need another £10 to move back to Pakistan.'
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Old 01-12-2007, 21:38   #102
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Good stuff....

http://i3.photobucket.com/albums/y71/mumo/game.gif
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Old 25-12-2007, 14:15   #103
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> > A lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a
> > sheriff's deputy. He thinks that he is smarter than
> > the deputy because he is a lawyer from New York and
> > is certain that he has a better education then any
> > cop from Texas. He decides to prove this to himself
> > and have some fun at the Texas deputy's expense!!
> > Deputy says," License and registration,
> > please."Lawyer says, "What for?"Deputy says, "You
> > didn't come to a complete stop at the stop
> > sign."Lawyer says, "I slowed down, and no one was
> > coming." Deputy says, "You still didn't come to a
> > complete stop. License and registration,
> > please."Lawyer says, "What's the difference?"Deputy
> > says, "The difference is, you have to come to
> > complete stop, that's the law. License and
> > registration, please!" Lawyer says, "If you can show
> > me the legal difference between slow down and stop,
> > I'll give you my license and registration; and you
> > give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't
> > give me the ticket."
> >
> > Deputy says, "Sounds fair. Exit your vehicle,
> > sir."The deputy takes out his nightstick and starts
> > beating the ever-loving shit out of the lawyer and
> > says, "Do you want me to stop, or just slow down?"
>
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Old 07-01-2008, 13:45   #104
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I'm sure you have heard the term, "INDEPENDENT FRONTSUSPENSION," but not many know exactly what it means. When one frontwheel of avehicle hits a bump or pothole, it will move up or down to compensate while theother wheel remains steady. Both wheels are independent of each other, hence that expression.

Watch the linked video, a German commercial for the Nissan Pathfinder,to find out exactly how this works. This gives a moving experience whichshould benefit your understanding of this piece of engineering.

Best explanation I've ever seen.

Those Germans have better ads than we do. ..

http://au.youtube.com/watch?v=y2YQjAz-4OM
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Old 07-01-2008, 14:25   #105
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Germans have better ads?

That's the funniest joke I have ever heard...

Maybe 1 per year is funny...
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Old 08-01-2008, 00:58   #106
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The Good Husband

Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company's Christmas Party. Jack is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn't taste like alcohol at all. He didn't even remember how he got home from the party. As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong.

Jack had to force himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose! Jack sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house.

He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror. Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in lipstick:

"Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to get groceries to make you your favorite dinner tonight. I love you, darling! Love, Jillian"

He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating.

Jack asks, "Son... what happened last night?"

"Well, you came home after 3 A. M., drunk and out of your mind. You fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door.

Confused, he asked his son, "So, why is everything in such perfect order and so clean? I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me??"

His son replies, "Oh THAT!... Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, "Leave me alone, I'm married!!"
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Old 18-01-2008, 08:32   #107
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This is the funniest ad i've ever seen. Screw Political Correctness.

http://au.youtube.com/watch?v=FPGSs56lZEQ
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Old 23-02-2008, 20:51   #108
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10 signs you might be a Taliban



10. You refine heroin for a living, but you have
a moral objection to beer.

9. You own a $300 machine gun and a $5,000
rocket launcher, but you can't afford shoes.

8. You have more wives than teeth.

7. You think vests come in two styles:
bullet-proof and suicide.

6. You can't think of anyone you HAVEN'T
declared Jihad against.

5. You consider television dangerous, but
routinely carry ammunition in your robe.

4. You've never been asked, "Does this burka
make my butt look fat?"

3. You were amazed to discover that cell phones
have uses other than setting off roadside bombs.

2. You've never uttered the phrase, "I love what
you've done with your cave."


And, the NUMBER ONE SIGN you might be a member
of the Taliban...



1. You wipe your ass with your bare hand, but
consider bacon unclean.
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Old 11-03-2008, 11:54   #109
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While walking down the street one day a US senator is tragically hit by a truck and dies.

His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.

"Welcome to heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts,
you see, so we're not sure what to do with you."

"No problem, just let me in," says the man.

"Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you
can choose where to spend eternity."

"Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven," says the senator.

"I'm sorry, but we have our rules."

And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell. The doors open and he finds himself
in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him.

Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people.

They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar ! and champagne.

Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a
good time that before he realizes it, it is time to go.

Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises...

The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him.

"Now it's time to visit heaven."

So, 24 hours pass with the senator joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.

"Well, then, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose your eternity."

The senator reflects for a minute, then he answers: "Well, I would never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in hell."

So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell.

Now the doors of the elevator open and he's in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage.

He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more trash falls from above.

The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder.
"I don't understand," stammers the senator. "Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable. What happened?"

The devil looks at him, smiles and says, "Yesterday we were campaigning...... Today you voted."
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Old 09-04-2008, 14:54   #110
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When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take it out on someone, don't take it out on someone you know, take it out on someone you don't know. I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I'd forgotten to make. I found the number and dialed it.

A man answered, saying 'Hello.'

I politely said, 'This is Chris. Could I please speak with Robyn Carter?'Suddenly a manic voice yelled out in my ear 'Get the right f***ing number!' and the phone was slammed down on me. I couldn't believe that anyone could be so rude .

When I tracked down Robyn's correct number to call her, I found that I had accidentally transposed the last two digits. After hanging up with her, I decided to call the 'wrong' number again.When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled 'You're an asshole!' and hung up.

I wrote his number down with the word 'asshole' next to it, and put it in my desk drawer. Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a really bad day, I'd call him up and yell, 'You're an asshole!' It always cheered me up.


When Caller ID was introduced, I thought my therap- eutic 'asshole' calling would have to stop. So, I called his number and said, 'Hi, this is John Smith from the telephone company. I'm calling to see if you're familiar with our Caller ID Program?'He yelled 'NO!' and slammed down the phone. I quickly called him back and said, 'That's because you're an asshole!' and hung up.

One day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into a parking Spot. Some guy in a black BMW cut me off and pulled into the spot I had patiently waited for. I hit the horn and yelled that I'd been wait ing for that spot, but the idiot ignored me. I noticed a 'For Sale ' sign in his back window, so I wrote down his number. A couple of days later, right after calling the first asshole (I had is number on speed dial,) I thought that I'd better call the BMW asshole, too.

I said, 'Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?' He said, 'Yes, it is.'

I asked, 'Can you tell me where I can see it?' He said, 'Yes, I live at 34 Oaktree Blvd , in Fairfax . It's a yellow ranch, and the car's parked right out in front.'

I asked, 'What's your name?' He said, 'My name is Don Hansen,'

I asked, 'When's a good time to catch you, Don?' He said, 'I'm home every evening after five.'

I said, 'Listen, Don, can I tell you something?'

He said, 'Yes?'

I said, 'Don, you're an asshole!'

Then I hung up, and added his number to my speed dial, too.

Now, when I had a problem, I had two assholes to call.


Then I came up with an idea. I called asshole #1. He said, 'Hello.' I said, 'You're an asshole!' (But I didn't hang up.) He asked, 'Are you still there?'

I said, 'Yeah,'

He screamed, 'Stop calling me,'

I said, 'Make me,'

He asked, 'Who are you?'

I said, 'My name is Don Hansen.'

He said, 'Yeah? Where do you live?'

I said, 'Asshole, I live at 34 Oaktree Blvd , in Fairfax , a yellow ranch, I have a black Beamer parked in front.'

He said, 'I'm coming over right now, Don. And you had better start saying your prayers.'

I said, 'Yeah, like I'm really scared, asshole,' and hung up.

Then I called Asshole #2. He said, 'Hello?' I said, 'Hello, asshole,'

He yelled, 'If I ever find out who you are...'

I said, 'You'll what?'

He exclaimed, 'I'll kick your ass,'

I answered, 'Well, asshole, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now.'

Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I lived at 34 Oaktree Blvd , in Fairfax , and that I was on my way over there to kill my gay lover.

Then I called Channel 9 News about the gang war going down in Oaktree Blvd. in Fairfax .

I quickly got into my car and headed over to Fairfax . I got there just in time to watch two assholes beating the crap out of each other in front of six cop cars, an overhead news helicopter and surrounded by a news crew.

NOW I feel much better. Anger management really does work.

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