Joke of the day - Page 6

Robi D · 17-04-2007, 14:20

A man had just been hired as the new CEO of a large high tech corporation.

The CEO who was stepping down met with him privately and presented him with three numbered envelopes.

"Open one of these if you run up against a problem you don't think you can solve," he said.

Well, things went along pretty smoothly, but six months later, sales took a downturn and he was really catching a lot of heat.

About at his wits end, he remembered the envelopes. He went to his drawer and took out the first envelope.

The message read, "Blame your predecessor.”

The new CEO called a press conference and tactfully laid the blame at the feet of the previous CEO.

Satisfied with his comments, the press -- and Wall Street -- responded positively.

Sales began to pick up and the problem was soon behind him.

About a year later, the company was again experiencing a slight dip in sales, combined with serious product problems.

Having learned from his previous experience, the CEO quickly opened the second envelope.

The message read, "Reorganize.”

This he did, and the company quickly rebounded.

After several consecutive profitable quarters, the company once again fell on difficult times.

The CEO went to his office, closed the door and opened the third envelope.

The message said, "Prepare three envelopes"..

ProPain · 17-04-2007, 21:31

ROFL!

Robi D · 25-04-2007, 10:47

> > *It was the mailman's last day on the job after
> > 35 years of carrying
> > the
> > mail through all kinds of weather to the same *
> > *neighborhood.*
> > * When he arrived at the first house on his route
> > he was greeted by
> > the
> > whole family there, who congratulated him and sent
> > him on his way with a
> > big
> > gift envelope. At the second house they presented
> > him with a box of
> > fine
> > cigars The folks at the third house handed him a
> > selection of terrific
> > fishing *
> > *lures.*
> > *At the final house he was met at the door by a
> > strikingly beautiful
> > blonde
> > in a revealing negligee She took him by the hand,
> > gently led him through
> > the
> > door (which she closed behind him), and led him up
> > the stairs to the
> > bedroom
> > where she blew his mind with the most passionate
> > love he had ever
> > experienced. When he had enough they went
> > downstairs, where she fixed
> > him a
> > giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage,
> > blueberry waffles, and
> > fresh-squeezed orange juice. When he was truly
> > satisfied she poured him
> > a
> > cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he
> > noticed a dollar bill
> > sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge. *
> > *"All this was just too wonderful for words," he
> > said, "but what's the
> > dollar for?"*
> > *"Well," she said, "last night, I told my husband
> > that today would be
> > your
> > last day, and that we should do something special
> > for you. I asked him
> > what
> > to give you." *
> > *He said, "Screw him - - - give him a dollar."*
> > *The blonde then blushed and said, "The breakfast
> > was my idea"*

Robi D · 29-04-2007, 12:58

A blind guy walks into a barroom and finds a stool at the bar.

"Hey, want to hear a really great blond joke?" He says when the bartender brings him his drink.

The place goes quiet, then the guy sitting on his left leans over and says in a low voice: "Before you tell that joke, you should know something. The bartender is blond, the bouncer is blond and I'm a 6' tall, 200 lb blond with a black belt in karate. The guy sitting on your right is 6'2," weighs 225 and he's a rugby player. The fella to his right is 6'5" and pushing 300 and he's a wrestler. We're all blonds. Think about it, Pal. You really wanna tell that joke?"

The blind guy thinks for a minute, then says, "Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."

mauer · 29-04-2007, 17:12

Redneck Logic.....

Two Conway, South Carolina farmers, Jimmy Ray and Joe Bob, are sitting at their favorite bar, drinking beer. Jimmy Ray turns to Joe Bob and says, "You know, I'm tired of going through life without an education. Tomorrow I think I'll go to the technical college, and sign up for some classes."
Joe Bob thinks it's a good idea, and the two leave.

The next day, Jimmy Ray goes down to the college and meets with the Dean of Admissions, who signs him up for the four basic classes:
Math, English, History, and Logic.
"Logic?" Jimmy Ray says. "What's that?"
The dean says, "I'll give you an example. Do you own a weed eater?"
"Yeah, answers Jimmy Ray."
"Then logically speaking, because you own a weed eater, I think that you would have a yard."
"That's true, I do have a yard."

"I'm not done," the dean says. "Because you have a yard, I think logically that you would have a house."
"Yes, I do have a house."
"And because you have a house, I think that you might logically have a family."
"Yes, I have a family."
"I'm not done yet. Because you have a family, then logically you must have a wife, and because you have a wife, then logic tells me you must be a heterosexual."
"I am a heterosexual. That's amazing, you were able to find out all of that because I have a weed eater."

Excited to take the class now, Jimmy Ray shakes the Dean's hand and leaves to go meet Joe Bob at the bar. He tells Joe Bob about his classes, how he is signed up for Math, English, History, and Logic.
"Logic?" Joe Bob says, "What's that?"
Jimmy Ray smiles and says, "I'll give you an example. Do you have a weed eater?"
"No."
"Then you're a queer."

BCLG100 · 29-04-2007, 19:55

Tubby Rower · 30-04-2007, 02:14

Hey!! I have family in Conway, South Carolina. And yes, sometimes they can be that stupid

mauer · 24-05-2007, 23:27

funny pic was deleted!?

mauer · 12-06-2007, 21:03

You mean "Joke of the Month"?

anywho,....Sipping Vodka:

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.

The monsignor replied, " When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."

So next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink.

He proceeded to talk up a storm.

Upon his return to his office after the mass, he found the following note on the door:

1) Sip the vodka, don't gulp.
2) There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3) There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4) Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5) Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
6) We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
7) The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the spook.
8) David slew Goliath, he did not kick the $$=+ out of him.
9) When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.
10)We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T."
11)When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper he said, "take this and eat it for it is my body." He did not say " Eat me" .
12)The Virgin Mary is not called " Mary with the Cherry,.
13)The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, Yeah God.
14)Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St.Peter's not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.

mauer · 05-07-2007, 04:09

Nobody else has any jokes?

A cowboy walks into a bar in Texas, orders three mugs of brew and sits
in the back room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn.
When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.
The bartender approaches and tells him, "You know, a mug goes flat after
I draw it so it would taste better if you bought just one at a time."
The cowboy replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in
Australia, the other is in Dublin and I'm in Texas. When we all left
home, we& nbsp;promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days we were
together. So I drink one for each of my brothers and one for myself."
The bartender admits that this is a nice custom and leaves it there. The
cowboy becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way. He
orders three mugs and drinks them in turn.
One day, he comes in and orders only two mugs! All the regulars take
notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second
round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I
wanted to offer my condolences on your loss."
The cowboy looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns and he
laughs. "Oh, no, everybody's just fine," he explains. "It's just that my
wife and I joined the Baptist Church and obviously I had to quit
drinking. Hasn't affected my brothers though."

17-04-2007, 14:20	#51
Robi D King Join Date: Aug 2006 Location: Adelaide, Australia. Posts: 2,060	A man had just been hired as the new CEO of a large high tech corporation. The CEO who was stepping down met with him privately and presented him with three numbered envelopes. "Open one of these if you run up against a problem you don't think you can solve," he said. Well, things went along pretty smoothly, but six months later, sales took a downturn and he was really catching a lot of heat. About at his wits end, he remembered the envelopes. He went to his drawer and took out the first envelope. The message read, "Blame your predecessor.” The new CEO called a press conference and tactfully laid the blame at the feet of the previous CEO. Satisfied with his comments, the press -- and Wall Street -- responded positively. Sales began to pick up and the problem was soon behind him. About a year later, the company was again experiencing a slight dip in sales, combined with serious product problems. Having learned from his previous experience, the CEO quickly opened the second envelope. The message read, "Reorganize.” This he did, and the company quickly rebounded. After several consecutive profitable quarters, the company once again fell on difficult times. The CEO went to his office, closed the door and opened the third envelope. The message said, "Prepare three envelopes".. __________________ "I'm altering the deal, prey I don't alter it further" Darth Vader "We shall defend what is ours. We shall never surrender" --Kosovo is Serbia!

17-04-2007, 21:31	#52
ProPain Customized Admin :) Join Date: Mar 2003 Location: sailing the seas of cheese. Posts: 5,852	ROFL! __________________ I fed my Dog the American Dream Well, he rolled over and he started to scream He said, I dig the taste of salt but it don't keep me alive yeah, yeah

25-04-2007, 10:47	#53
Robi D King Join Date: Aug 2006 Location: Adelaide, Australia. Posts: 2,060	> > It was the mailman's last day on the job after > > 35 years of carrying > > the > > mail through all kinds of weather to the same > > neighborhood. > > * When he arrived at the first house on his route > > he was greeted by > > the > > whole family there, who congratulated him and sent > > him on his way with a > > big > > gift envelope. At the second house they presented > > him with a box of > > fine > > cigars The folks at the third house handed him a > > selection of terrific > > fishing * > > lures. > > At the final house he was met at the door by a > > strikingly beautiful > > blonde > > in a revealing negligee She took him by the hand, > > gently led him through > > the > > door (which she closed behind him), and led him up > > the stairs to the > > bedroom > > where she blew his mind with the most passionate > > love he had ever > > experienced. When he had enough they went > > downstairs, where she fixed > > him a > > giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, > > blueberry waffles, and > > fresh-squeezed orange juice. When he was truly > > satisfied she poured him > > a > > cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he > > noticed a dollar bill > > sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge. > > "All this was just too wonderful for words," he > > said, "but what's the > > dollar for?" > > "Well," she said, "last night, I told my husband > > that today would be > > your > > last day, and that we should do something special > > for you. I asked him > > what > > to give you." > > He said, "Screw him - - - give him a dollar." > > The blonde then blushed and said, "The breakfast > > was my idea" __________________ "I'm altering the deal, prey I don't alter it further" Darth Vader "We shall defend what is ours. We shall never surrender" --Kosovo is Serbia!

29-04-2007, 12:58	#54
Robi D King Join Date: Aug 2006 Location: Adelaide, Australia. Posts: 2,060	A blind guy walks into a barroom and finds a stool at the bar. "Hey, want to hear a really great blond joke?" He says when the bartender brings him his drink. The place goes quiet, then the guy sitting on his left leans over and says in a low voice: "Before you tell that joke, you should know something. The bartender is blond, the bouncer is blond and I'm a 6' tall, 200 lb blond with a black belt in karate. The guy sitting on your right is 6'2," weighs 225 and he's a rugby player. The fella to his right is 6'5" and pushing 300 and he's a wrestler. We're all blonds. Think about it, Pal. You really wanna tell that joke?" The blind guy thinks for a minute, then says, "Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times." __________________ "I'm altering the deal, prey I don't alter it further" Darth Vader "We shall defend what is ours. We shall never surrender" --Kosovo is Serbia!

29-04-2007, 19:55	#56
BCLG100 Deity Join Date: Apr 2006 Location: Lahndan Posts: 6,220	__________________ the sooner you fall behind, the more time you\'ll have to catch up! CDZ Cup Champion!!!

29-04-2007, 17:12	#55
mauer King Join Date: Sep 2006 Posts: 2,033	Redneck Logic..... Two Conway, South Carolina farmers, Jimmy Ray and Joe Bob, are sitting at their favorite bar, drinking beer. Jimmy Ray turns to Joe Bob and says, "You know, I'm tired of going through life without an education. Tomorrow I think I'll go to the technical college, and sign up for some classes." Joe Bob thinks it's a good idea, and the two leave. The next day, Jimmy Ray goes down to the college and meets with the Dean of Admissions, who signs him up for the four basic classes: Math, English, History, and Logic. "Logic?" Jimmy Ray says. "What's that?" The dean says, "I'll give you an example. Do you own a weed eater?" "Yeah, answers Jimmy Ray." "Then logically speaking, because you own a weed eater, I think that you would have a yard." "That's true, I do have a yard." "I'm not done," the dean says. "Because you have a yard, I think logically that you would have a house." "Yes, I do have a house." "And because you have a house, I think that you might logically have a family." "Yes, I have a family." "I'm not done yet. Because you have a family, then logically you must have a wife, and because you have a wife, then logic tells me you must be a heterosexual." "I am a heterosexual. That's amazing, you were able to find out all of that because I have a weed eater." Excited to take the class now, Jimmy Ray shakes the Dean's hand and leaves to go meet Joe Bob at the bar. He tells Joe Bob about his classes, how he is signed up for Math, English, History, and Logic. "Logic?" Joe Bob says, "What's that?" Jimmy Ray smiles and says, "I'll give you an example. Do you have a weed eater?" "No." "Then you're a queer."

30-04-2007, 02:14	#57
Tubby Rower Moderator Join Date: Aug 2005 Location: Middle of VA. Posts: 3,896	Hey!! I have family in Conway, South Carolina. And yes, sometimes they can be that stupid __________________ 3/2006 : Now, surely that must be because some fists might have caused internal damage to certain delicate parts?

24-05-2007, 23:27	#58
mauer King Join Date: Sep 2006 Posts: 2,033	funny pic was deleted!?

12-06-2007, 21:03	#59
mauer King Join Date: Sep 2006 Posts: 2,033	You mean "Joke of the Month"? anywho,....Sipping Vodka: A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done. The monsignor replied, " When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip." So next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon his return to his office after the mass, he found the following note on the door: 1) Sip the vodka, don't gulp. 2) There are 10 commandments, not 12. 3) There are 12 disciples, not 10. 4) Jesus was consecrated, not constipated. 5) Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass. 6) We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C. 7) The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the spook. 8) David slew Goliath, he did not kick the $$=+ out of him. 9) When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass. 10)We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T." 11)When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper he said, "take this and eat it for it is my body." He did not say " Eat me" . 12)The Virgin Mary is not called " Mary with the Cherry,. 13)The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, Yeah God. 14)Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St.Peter's not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.

05-07-2007, 04:09	#60
mauer King Join Date: Sep 2006 Posts: 2,033	Nobody else has any jokes? A cowboy walks into a bar in Texas, orders three mugs of brew and sits in the back room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more. The bartender approaches and tells him, "You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it so it would taste better if you bought just one at a time." The cowboy replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in Australia, the other is in Dublin and I'm in Texas. When we all left home, we& nbsp;promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days we were together. So I drink one for each of my brothers and one for myself." The bartender admits that this is a nice custom and leaves it there. The cowboy becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way. He orders three mugs and drinks them in turn. One day, he comes in and orders only two mugs! All the regulars take notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss." The cowboy looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns and he laughs. "Oh, no, everybody's just fine," he explains. "It's just that my wife and I joined the Baptist Church and obviously I had to quit drinking. Hasn't affected my brothers though."