Joke of the day - Page 7

romeothemonk · 07-07-2007, 17:08

I got a couple of jokes.

How is a woman like a tornado?

First there is a lot of sucking and blowing, and then you lose your house.

What did one fish say to the other in the tank?

You work the guns and I'll drive.

Robi D · 12-07-2007, 14:04

Not a joke but a fun fact

A 2007 study found that the average Australian walks about 900 miles a
year.

Another study found that Australians drink an average of 22 gallons of
beer a year.

That means, on average, Australians get about 41 miles per gallon.

Not bad eh!

mauer · 21-07-2007, 02:51

Not a woman, but thought this was funny anyways....lol

23.58KB

Whomp · 24-07-2007, 23:28

OK I got some little Johnny jokes...

A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, "Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up!" After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up. The teacher said, "Do you think you're stupid, Little Johnny?" "No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!"

Little Johnny attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs and rump, and chest. After a few minutes, Johnny asked, "Dad, why are you doing that?" His father replied, "Because when I'm buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy. Johnny, looking worried, said, "Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom."

mauer · 25-07-2007, 00:01

Excerpts from a Dog's Daily Diary
8:00 am - Dog food! My favorite thing!
9:30 am - A car ride! My favorite thing!
9:40 am - A walk in the park! My favorite thing!
10:30 am - Got rubbed and petted! My favorite thing!
12:00 pm - Lunch! My favorite thing!
1:00 pm - Played in the yard! My favorite thing!
3:00 pm - Wagged my tail! My favorite thing!
5:00 pm - Milk bones! My favorite thing!
7:00 pm - Got to play ball! My favorite thing!
8:00 pm - Wow! Watched TV with the people! My favorite thing!
11:00 pm - Sleeping on the bed! My favorite thing!

Excerpts from a Cat's Daily Diary
Day 983 of my captivity.
My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects.
They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are
fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets. Although I make my contempt for
the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in
order to keep up my strength.

The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape. In an
attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet.
Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet.

I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it
clearly demonstrates what I am capable of. However, they merely made
condescending comments about what a "good little hunter" I am. Bastards.

There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was
placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event.
However,I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that
my confinement was due to the power of "allergies." I must learn what
this means, and how to use it to my advantage.

Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my
tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try
this again tomorrow -- but at the top of the stairs.
I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches.

The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released -and
seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously retarded.
The bird has got to be an informant. I observe him communicate with
the guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move.
My captors have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated
cell, so he is safe. For now

Robi D · 07-08-2007, 14:34

Two Irish engineers were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking up.
A blonde walked by and asks what they are doing.
Paddy said: "We're supposed to find the height of this flagpole, but we don't have a ladder"
The blonde took a spanner from her handbag, loosened a few bolts and laid the flagpole down. She then pulled a tape measure from her pocket, took a few measurements and announced that it was eighteen feet and six inches.
She then walked off.
Mick said: "Ain't that just like a blonde! We need the height and she gives us the length!".

classical_hero · 08-08-2007, 14:23

A Priest and a Nun were riding together to go to a Catholic convention. Considering that it was late, they decided to stay at a motel on the way. Considering that they did not have much money, they decided to rent just one room and have the Nun sleep on the bed and the Priest would sleep on the couch, so that they would still remain celibate. Considering it was cold that night the Nun said to the Priest, "I am cold, what can you do about it?" So the Priest went to the closet and got out another blanket for her to keep warm. Unfortunately this did not keep the Nun warm, so she asked for another blanket and the Priest did so. The third time the Nun asked to be kept warm, she said, "I am cold and I need to keep warm, so just for tonight, can we be considered as being a married couple?" The Priest say, "That is alright to me, my dear. Now get your blanket yourself, I'm trying to sleep."

Pastorius · 10-08-2007, 21:49

hehehe

romeothemonk · 14-08-2007, 13:08

Did you hear about the new Star Trek Movie?

In an attempt to make the series more relevant and increase the younger viewing demographic, it will be full of violence and nudity!!

In fact it will be so bad that it picked up the following rating:

NCC-1701

Darkness · 14-08-2007, 13:28

Oh dear, numerical trekkie jokes. These boards are going down the drain...

07-07-2007, 17:08	#61
romeothemonk King Join Date: Aug 2004 Location: Yankton, SD. Posts: 1,310	I got a couple of jokes. How is a woman like a tornado? First there is a lot of sucking and blowing, and then you lose your house. What did one fish say to the other in the tank? You work the guns and I'll drive. __________________ I am not crazy cause I take the right pills..................................... Everyday

12-07-2007, 14:04	#62
Robi D King Join Date: Aug 2006 Location: Adelaide, Australia. Posts: 2,060	Not a joke but a fun fact A 2007 study found that the average Australian walks about 900 miles a year. Another study found that Australians drink an average of 22 gallons of beer a year. That means, on average, Australians get about 41 miles per gallon. Not bad eh! __________________ "I'm altering the deal, prey I don't alter it further" Darth Vader "We shall defend what is ours. We shall never surrender" --Kosovo is Serbia!

24-07-2007, 23:28	#64
Whomp King Join Date: Mar 2005 Location: Chicago. Posts: 2,388	OK I got some little Johnny jokes... A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, "Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up!" After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up. The teacher said, "Do you think you're stupid, Little Johnny?" "No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!" Little Johnny attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs and rump, and chest. After a few minutes, Johnny asked, "Dad, why are you doing that?" His father replied, "Because when I'm buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy. Johnny, looking worried, said, "Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom." __________________ If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. There's no point in being a damn fool about it.--W. C. Fields

07-08-2007, 14:34	#66
Robi D King Join Date: Aug 2006 Location: Adelaide, Australia. Posts: 2,060	Two Irish engineers were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking up. A blonde walked by and asks what they are doing. Paddy said: "We're supposed to find the height of this flagpole, but we don't have a ladder" The blonde took a spanner from her handbag, loosened a few bolts and laid the flagpole down. She then pulled a tape measure from her pocket, took a few measurements and announced that it was eighteen feet and six inches. She then walked off. Mick said: "Ain't that just like a blonde! We need the height and she gives us the length!". __________________ "I'm altering the deal, prey I don't alter it further" Darth Vader "We shall defend what is ours. We shall never surrender" --Kosovo is Serbia!

10-08-2007, 21:49	#68
Pastorius Custard used tile Join Date: Jul 2003 Location: Opening a can Posts: 3,158	hehehe __________________

21-07-2007, 02:51	#63
mauer King Join Date: Sep 2006 Posts: 2,033	Not a woman, but thought this was funny anyways....lol 23.58KB

25-07-2007, 00:01	#65
mauer King Join Date: Sep 2006 Posts: 2,033	Excerpts from a Dog's Daily Diary 8:00 am - Dog food! My favorite thing! 9:30 am - A car ride! My favorite thing! 9:40 am - A walk in the park! My favorite thing! 10:30 am - Got rubbed and petted! My favorite thing! 12:00 pm - Lunch! My favorite thing! 1:00 pm - Played in the yard! My favorite thing! 3:00 pm - Wagged my tail! My favorite thing! 5:00 pm - Milk bones! My favorite thing! 7:00 pm - Got to play ball! My favorite thing! 8:00 pm - Wow! Watched TV with the people! My favorite thing! 11:00 pm - Sleeping on the bed! My favorite thing! Excerpts from a Cat's Daily Diary Day 983 of my captivity. My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets. Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength. The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape. In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet. Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates what I am capable of. However, they merely made condescending comments about what a "good little hunter" I am. Bastards. There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However,I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was due to the power of "allergies." I must learn what this means, and how to use it to my advantage. Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this again tomorrow -- but at the top of the stairs. I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches. The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released -and seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously retarded. The bird has got to be an informant. I observe him communicate with the guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move. My captors have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so he is safe. For now

08-08-2007, 14:23	#67
classical_hero Warlord Join Date: Aug 2005 Location: Perth, Australia. Posts: 443	A Priest and a Nun were riding together to go to a Catholic convention. Considering that it was late, they decided to stay at a motel on the way. Considering that they did not have much money, they decided to rent just one room and have the Nun sleep on the bed and the Priest would sleep on the couch, so that they would still remain celibate. Considering it was cold that night the Nun said to the Priest, "I am cold, what can you do about it?" So the Priest went to the closet and got out another blanket for her to keep warm. Unfortunately this did not keep the Nun warm, so she asked for another blanket and the Priest did so. The third time the Nun asked to be kept warm, she said, "I am cold and I need to keep warm, so just for tonight, can we be considered as being a married couple?" The Priest say, "That is alright to me, my dear. Now get your blanket yourself, I'm trying to sleep."

14-08-2007, 13:08	#69
romeothemonk King Join Date: Aug 2004 Location: Yankton, SD. Posts: 1,310	Did you hear about the new Star Trek Movie? In an attempt to make the series more relevant and increase the younger viewing demographic, it will be full of violence and nudity!! In fact it will be so bad that it picked up the following rating: NCC-1701 __________________ I am not crazy cause I take the right pills..................................... Everyday

14-08-2007, 13:28	#70
Darkness Moderator Join Date: Aug 2003 Location: Netherlands. Posts: 4,169	Oh dear, numerical trekkie jokes. These boards are going down the drain... __________________ "Death is lighter than a feather, but duty is heavier than a mountain..." - The Eye of the World