Joke of the day
 

I get lots of these so i figured i'd put them here for all to have a laugh. Feel free to spam your own jokes too.

The only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon quickie with their 8 year old son in the apartment
was to send him out on the balcony with a Popsicle and tell him to report on all the
neighbourhood activities.
He began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation:
"There's a car being towed from the parking lot!", he shouted.
A few moments passed . "An ambulance just drove by"
A few moments later, "Looks like the Anderson's have company", he called out.
"Matt's riding a new bike....."
A few moments later, 'Looks like the Sanders are moving"
"Jason is on his skate board...."
A few more moments, "The Coopers are having sex!!"
Startled, Mother and Dad shot up in bed.
Dad cautiously asked, "How do you know they are having sex?"
"Jimmy Cooper is standing on his balcony with a Popsicle."

lol

i only ever get crap spam

This is the last joke I LOLed:

A husband wakes up with a huge hangover the night after a business
function.

He forces himself to open his eyes and the first thing he sees is a
couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And,
next to them, a single red rose. The husband sits up in bed and sees
his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed.

He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order,
spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins,
cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the
bathroom mirror and notices a note on the table: "Honey, breakfast is on the
stove, I left early to go shopping. Love you!" He stumbles to the kitchen
and sure enough, there is hot breakfast and the morning newspaper.

His son is also at the table, eating. The husband asks, "Son . .
what happened last night?" "Well, you came home after 3 am, drunk and out
of your mind. You broke the coffee table, puked in the hallway and got
that black eye when you ran into the door."

The husband asks, "So, why is everything in such perfect order, so
clean, I have a rose and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?"

His son replies, "Oh, THAT! . . . Mom dragged you to the bedroom
and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, 'Leave me alone,
bitch, I'm married!!'!"

Broken table--$200
Hot breakfast--$5
Red rose bud--$3
Two aspirins--$.25
Saying the right thing, at the right time . . . PRICELESS

I've posted this somewhere else iirc, but not here.

A Russian businessman got really drunk on a banquet into oblivion then went to some postitute which had menstruation. Next morning he wakes up and does not remember a thing about yesterday's events. He walks down to bathroom and while looking in the mirror notices his hands are bloody. So he thinks, - Shit, I must have killed someone yesterday night! He looks again in the mirror and thinks, - Crap, and then I ate him!

Variety on akots' joke:

Guy wakes up after a heavy night of drinking. Gets out of bed, checks his jacquet pockets and a bra comes out; Checks his pants pocket and female undies come out. Walks into the bathroom to splash some water in his face, looks in the mirror and a little thread is hanging out of the corner of his mouth and he says to himself: 'I sure hope that's just a teabag.....'

[rotfl]

[lol]

That was disgustingly funny ProPain[lol]

Here's another one from me

There was a preacher whose wife was expecting a baby so he went before the congregation and asked for a raise. After much discussion, they passed a rule that whenever the preacher's family expanded, so would his paycheck.

After 6 children, this started to get expensive and the congregation decided to hold another meeting to discuss the preacher's salary.
There was much yelling and bickering about how much the clergyman's additional children were costing the church.Finally, the Preacher got up and spoke to the crowd, "Children are a gift from God," he said. Silence fell on the congregation.

In the back pew,a little old lady stood up and in her frail voice said, "Rain is also a gift from God, but when we get too much of it, we wear rubbers."
And the congregation said, "Amen."

[snicker]

Rather old one:

Why do mathematicians always confuse Halloween with Christmas?

Because Oct 31 = Dec 25

[beer1] awesome, Geek rating 10! [beer1]

[meli]

Oh, and my favourite (maybe even geekier)

there are 10 kinds of people, those who understand binary and those who don't.

In Bavaria, a Weißwurst factory explodes, sprinkling Weißwürste everywhere.

((here's a pic for those who do not know Weißwürst:
http://www.civ3duelzone.com/forum/up...sswurst_sm.jpg
4.56KB)

'Everywhere' means 'everywhere' - a few get blown up so high that they land on clouds.
An angel picks one up. 'What is this?', he wonders.... and runs off to St. Peter to ask.
St. Peter is equally cluelss. 'Why not ask Junior, he spent some time down there', he suggests.

But Jesus also is clueless! After looking at the sausage carefully for a long time, he suggests: 'Aks my Mom, she's from down there, she might knwow!'

So the angel races off to find Mary. He hands her the Weißwurst, and she carefully looks it over. Finally she says:
'No, I have never seen this before, but it does feel like the Holy Spirit!'

[col]

Not a joke as such but i found it funny:D

One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed.

Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says,
"I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me."

I said, "WHAT??!! What was that?!"

So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to
hear...

"You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough
for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man."

She responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just love me
for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?"

Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to
sleep.

The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time
with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went
shopping at a big, big unnamed department store.
I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits.
She couldn't decide which one to take,
so I told her we'd just buy them all.
She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said,
"Lets get a pair for each outfit."

We went on to the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of
diamond earrings. Let me tell you... she was so excited. She must
have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think
she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she
doesn't even know how to play tennis.

I think I threw her for a loop when I said, "That's fine, honey."
She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the
excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation, she finally said, "I
think this is all dear, let's go to the cashier."

I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No honey, I don't
feel like it."

Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a
baffled, "WHAT?"

I then said, "Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while.
You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for
me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman."

And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I
added, "Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the
things I buy you?"

Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either....but at least she knows I'm smarter than her.

[rotfl]

Is this for real, or did you find it somewhere?

I must remember that :)

that is genius! :)

Quiz

You are driving in a car at a constant speed. On your left side is a valley and on your right side is a fire engine traveling at the same speed as you.

In front of you is a galloping pig which is the same size as your car and you cannot overtake it. Behind you is a helicopter flying at ground level. Both the giant pig and the helicopter are also traveling at the same speed as you.

What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation?






(scroll down)























Answer:

Get off the children's carousel and, next time, don't drink so much. [guiness]

Awesome. I Laughed for minutes!!

I get these emails from friends. Don't know if its true or not but its definately something to keep in mind if the situation ever arises ;)

A tourist in Amsterdam wants to have a go in the Red Light District. He sees two doors. The entry fee for the left door is €5,- and for the right door €50,-. Easy pick: he pays five euro and walks into the left door. However, the only thing he sees there is a cow in an empty room with just a large mirror. "What a bummer! Well, I've paid for sex anyway, so why not give it a go?" The next day he goes to the same place and thinks to get proper sex if he goes to through the right door, so he pays fifty euro and goes in. There he sees a lot of people all watching a couple have sex in another room. "What's so special about this?" he asks. "Oh, you should've been here yesterday! Someone fucked a cow!!"

CONVERTING A BEAR
A priest, a Pentecostal preacher and a Rabbi all served as chaplains
to the students of Northern Michigan University in Marquette.
They would get together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk shop.
One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't
really all that hard. A real challenge would be to preach to a bear.
One thing led to another and they decided to do an experiment. They
would all go out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and
attempt to convert it.

Seven days later, they're all together to discuss the experience.
Father Flannery, who has his arm in a sling, is on crutches, and has
various bandages, goes first. "Well," he says, "I went into the woods to find me a bear. And when I found him I began to read to him from the Catechism. Well, that bear wanted nothing to do with me and began to slap me around. So I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary Mother of God, he became as gentle a lamb. The bishop is coming out next week to give him first communion and confirmation."

Reverend Billy Bob spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, with an arm and both legs in casts, and an IV drip. In his best fire and brimstone oratory he claimed, " WELL brothers, you KNOW that we don't sprinkle! I went out and I FOUND me a bear. And then I began to read to my bear from God's HOLY WORD! But that bear wanted nothing to do with me. So I took HOLD of him and we began to wrestle. We wrestled down one hill, UP another and DOWN another until we came to a creek. So I quick DUNKED him and BAPTIZED his hairy soul. And just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb. We spent the rest of the day praising Jesus."

They both looked down at the rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed.
He was in a body cast and traction with IV's and monitors running in
and out of him. He was in bad shape.
The rabbi looks up and says, "Looking back on it, circumcision may not have been the best way to start."

Damn, it's pretty bad if one misses the point because of not knowing the decisive word.

I had to look up circumcision...it's not as funny now as it had been if I had known the word before...

[lol] that was funnier than the joke ynnek

A short one:)


A man and his wife are dining at a table in a plush restaurant, and the husband keeps staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sits alone at a nearby table.

The wife asks, "Do you know her?"

"Yes," the husband sighs, "She's my ex-girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up seven years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since."

"My God!" says the wife, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?

rofl

[lol]

> A husband and wife were having dinner at a very expensive restaurant when this absolutely
stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big open-mouthed kiss, then
says she'll see him later and walks away.
> The wife glares at her husband and asks, "Who was that?"
> "Oh," replies the husband, "she's my mistress."
> "Well, that's the last straw," storms the wife. "I've had enough! I want a divorce!"
> "I can understand that," replies her husband, "but remember, if we get a divorce it will mean
no more shopping trips to Paris , no more wintering in Barbados, no more summers in Tuscany , no
more Lexus in the garage and no more yacht club. But the decision is yours."
> Just then, a friend of theirs enters the restaurant with a gorgeous babe on his arm.
> "Who's that woman with Jim?" asks the wife.
> "That's his mistress," says her husband.
> "Ours is prettier!" says the wife.

Harvey and Gladys Goldman are getting ready for bed.
Gladys is standing in
front of her full-length mirror, taking a long, hard
look at herself. You know, Harvey," she comments. "I
stare into this mirror
and I see an ancient creature. My face is all
wrinkled, my arms and legs are
as flabby as popped balloons, and...my butt looks
like a sad, deflated
version of the Hindenberg!" She turns to face her
husband and says, "Dear,
please tell me just one positive thing about my body
so I can feel better about myself."

Harvey studies Gladys critically for a moment and
then says in a soft,
thoughtful voice, Well...there's nothing wrong with
your eyesight."

Services for Harvey Goldman will be held Tuesday
morning at 10:30

[lol]

[rotfl]

40th wedding anniversary. The couple has returned to their honeymoon hotel, bokked the honeymoon suit again. She comes out of the bathroom in the same old skimpy nightgown. 'Honey, do you remember what you thought back when I first wore this?'
'Hm, yeah, I thoought I wanna suck her tits empty and fuck her braindead!'
'And.....?????'
'Hrmph, I did a pretty good job, methinks!'

Its not a joke but its still funny


> > TOP TEN THINGS THAT SOUND DIRTY, BUT IN A LAW FIRM
> > AREN'T:
> >
> > 10. Have you looked through her briefs?
> > 9. He is one hard judge.
> > 8. Counsellor, let's do it in chambers.
> > 7. Her attorney withdrew at the last minute.
> > 6. Is it a penal offence?
> > 5. Better leave the handcuffs on.
> > 4. For $200 an hour, she better be good!
> > 3. Can you get him to drop his suit?
> > 2. The judge gave her the stiffest one he could.
> > And the number 1:
> > 1. Think you can get me off?
> >
> > TOP TEN THINGS THAT SOUND DIRTY, BUT IN THE OFFICE
> > AREN'T:
> > 10. I need to whip it out by 5.
> > 9. Mind if I use your laptop?
> > 8. Just stick it in my box.
> > 7. If I have to lick one more, I'll gag!
> > 6. I want it on my desk, NOW!!!!!
> > 5. HMMMMM, I think it's out of fluid!
> > 4. My equipment is so old, it takes forever to
> > finish.
> > 3. It's an entry level position.
> > 2. When do you think you'll be getting off today?
> > And the number 1:
> > 1. It's not fair. I do all the work while he just
> > sits there!!!
> >
> >
> > TOP TEN THINGS THAT SOUND DIRTY, BUT IN GOLF AREN'T:
> >
> > 10. Damn, my shaft is bent.
> > 9. After 18 holes, I can barely walk.
> > 8. You really whacked the hell out of that sucker.
> > 7. Look at the size of his putter.
> > 6. Keep your head down and spread your legs a bit
> > more.
> > 5. Mind if I join your threesome ?
> > 4. Stand with your back turned and drop it.
> > 3. My hands are so sweaty I can't get a good grip.
> > 2. Nice stroke, but your follow-through leaves a
> > lot to be desired.
> > And the number 1::
> > 1. Hold up! I need to wash my balls first

The countrywomen club is having a meeting about emancipation. They talk about their successes.
First woman:
"I've been married for twenty years and every day I iron his vests.
One day I said to him: 'I'm not doing it anymore. If you want them smooth, you'll have to do it yourself.'
The first day...I saw nothing.
The second day...I still saw nothing.
The third day...I saw him iron his vests!"
All the women applauded!
Second woman:
"I've been married for fifteen years and every day I wash his dirty stinky socks.
Then I said to him: 'You can do it yourself. I'm done with it.'
The first day...I saw nothing.
The second day...I still saw nothing.
The third day...I saw him wash his socks himself!"
All the women applauded again!
Third woman:
"I'm married ten years now and everyday I make couscous for him.
But then I said: 'I make no couscous anymore for you. If you want couscous, make them yourself.'
The first day...I saw nothing.
The second day...I still saw nothing.
The third day...I could see very little again through my left eye!"

The only cow in a small Kentucky town stopped giving
milk. The
people did some research and found that they could
buy a cow just across the
state line in Illinois for $200.

They brought the cow from Illinois and the cow was
wonderful. It
produced lots of milk all of the time, and the
people were very happy.

They decided to acquire a bull to mate with the cow
to produce more cows
like it. They would never have to worry about their
milk supply again.

They bought the bull and put it in the pasture with
their beloved cow.
However, whenever the bull tried to mount the cow,
the cow would move away.
No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow
would move away from the
bull and he could no succeed in his quest. The
people were very upset and
decided to ask
the Vet, who was very wise, what to do.

They told the Vet what was happening. "Whenever the
bull tires to mount our
cow, she moves away. If he approaches from the back,
she moves forward. When
he approaches her from the front, she
backs off. An attempt from the side, she walks away
to the other side."

The Vet thought about this for a minute and asked,
"Did you by
chance, buy this cow in Illinois?"

The people were dumbfounded, since no one had ever
mentioned where they
bought the cow. "You are truly a wise Vet," they
said.
"How did you know we got the cow in Illinois?"
The Vet replied with a distant look in his eye, "My
wife is from Illinois."

> > An Italian, a Frenchman and an Indian was drinking
> > at a bar discussing what
> > they had done the previous evening.
> >
> > The Italian says: "Last night I massaged my wife all
> > over her body with the
> > finest olive oil, then we made passionate love and I
> > made her scream non
> > stop for five minutes."
> >
> > The Frenchman says: "Last night I massaged my wife
> > all over her body with a
> > special aphrodisiac oil, then we made passionate
> > love. I made her scream
> > for fifteen minutes straight."
> >
> > The Indian says: That's nothing. Last night I
> > massaged my wife all over her
> > body with a special butter. I caressed her entire
> > body with the butter,
> > then made love and I made her scream for two long
> > hours."
> >
> > The Italian and Frenchman, astonished, asked, "Two
> > hours, phenomenal! How
> > did you do it to make her scream for two hours?"
> > Indian : "I wiped my hands on the curtains."

> The American Way: A Modern Parable.
>
> A Japanese company ( Toyota ) and an American company
> (General Motors) decided to have a canoe race on the
> Missouri River . Both teams practiced long and hard
> to reach their peak performance before the race.
>
> On the big day, the Japanese won by a mile.
>
> The Americans, very discouraged and depressed, decided
> to investigate the reason for the crushing defeat. A
> management team made up of senior management was
> formed to investigate and recommend appropriate
> action.
>
> Their conclusion was the Japanese had 8 people rowing
> and 1 person steering, while the American team had 8
> people steering and 1 person rowing.
>
> Feeling a deeper study was in order; American
> management hired a consulting company and paid them a
> large amount of money for a second opinion. They
> advised, of course, that too many people were steering
> the boat, while not enough people were rowing.
>
> Not sure of how to utilize that nformation, but
> wanting to prevent another loss to the Japanese, the
> rowing team's management structure was totally
> reorganized to 4 steering supervisors, 3 area steering
> superintendents and 1 assistant superintendent
> steering manager.
>
> They also implemented a new performance system that
> would give the
> 1 person rowing the boat greater incentive to work
> harder. It was called the "Rowing Team Quality First
> Program, with meetings, dinners and free pens for the
> rower. There was discussion of getting
> new paddles, canoes and other equipment, extra
> vacation days for practices and bonuses.
>
> The next year the Japanese won by two miles.
>
> Humiliated, the American management laid off the rower
> for poor performance, halted development of a new
> canoe, sold the paddles, and canceled all capital
> investments for new equipment.
>
> The money saved was distributed to the Senior
> Executives as bonuses and the next
> year's racing team was out-sourced to India .
>
> The End.

[lol] I can relate to that one on several different levels [tubs]

That one was violent ! love it :)