I get these emails from friends. Don't know if its true or not but its definately something to keep in mind if the situation ever arises ;)

A tourist in Amsterdam wants to have a go in the Red Light District. He sees two doors. The entry fee for the left door is €5,- and for the right door €50,-. Easy pick: he pays five euro and walks into the left door. However, the only thing he sees there is a cow in an empty room with just a large mirror. "What a bummer! Well, I've paid for sex anyway, so why not give it a go?" The next day he goes to the same place and thinks to get proper sex if he goes to through the right door, so he pays fifty euro and goes in. There he sees a lot of people all watching a couple have sex in another room. "What's so special about this?" he asks. "Oh, you should've been here yesterday! Someone fucked a cow!!"

CONVERTING A BEAR
A priest, a Pentecostal preacher and a Rabbi all served as chaplains
to the students of Northern Michigan University in Marquette.
They would get together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk shop.
One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't
really all that hard. A real challenge would be to preach to a bear.
One thing led to another and they decided to do an experiment. They
would all go out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and
attempt to convert it.

Seven days later, they're all together to discuss the experience.
Father Flannery, who has his arm in a sling, is on crutches, and has
various bandages, goes first. "Well," he says, "I went into the woods to find me a bear. And when I found him I began to read to him from the Catechism. Well, that bear wanted nothing to do with me and began to slap me around. So I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary Mother of God, he became as gentle a lamb. The bishop is coming out next week to give him first communion and confirmation."

Reverend Billy Bob spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, with an arm and both legs in casts, and an IV drip. In his best fire and brimstone oratory he claimed, " WELL brothers, you KNOW that we don't sprinkle! I went out and I FOUND me a bear. And then I began to read to my bear from God's HOLY WORD! But that bear wanted nothing to do with me. So I took HOLD of him and we began to wrestle. We wrestled down one hill, UP another and DOWN another until we came to a creek. So I quick DUNKED him and BAPTIZED his hairy soul. And just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb. We spent the rest of the day praising Jesus."

They both looked down at the rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed.
He was in a body cast and traction with IV's and monitors running in
and out of him. He was in bad shape.
The rabbi looks up and says, "Looking back on it, circumcision may not have been the best way to start."

Damn, it's pretty bad if one misses the point because of not knowing the decisive word.

I had to look up circumcision...it's not as funny now as it had been if I had known the word before...

[lol] that was funnier than the joke ynnek

A short one:)


A man and his wife are dining at a table in a plush restaurant, and the husband keeps staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sits alone at a nearby table.

The wife asks, "Do you know her?"

"Yes," the husband sighs, "She's my ex-girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up seven years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since."

"My God!" says the wife, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?

rofl

[lol]

> A husband and wife were having dinner at a very expensive restaurant when this absolutely
stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big open-mouthed kiss, then
says she'll see him later and walks away.
> The wife glares at her husband and asks, "Who was that?"
> "Oh," replies the husband, "she's my mistress."
> "Well, that's the last straw," storms the wife. "I've had enough! I want a divorce!"
> "I can understand that," replies her husband, "but remember, if we get a divorce it will mean
no more shopping trips to Paris , no more wintering in Barbados, no more summers in Tuscany , no
more Lexus in the garage and no more yacht club. But the decision is yours."
> Just then, a friend of theirs enters the restaurant with a gorgeous babe on his arm.
> "Who's that woman with Jim?" asks the wife.
> "That's his mistress," says her husband.
> "Ours is prettier!" says the wife.

Harvey and Gladys Goldman are getting ready for bed.
Gladys is standing in
front of her full-length mirror, taking a long, hard
look at herself. You know, Harvey," she comments. "I
stare into this mirror
and I see an ancient creature. My face is all
wrinkled, my arms and legs are
as flabby as popped balloons, and...my butt looks
like a sad, deflated
version of the Hindenberg!" She turns to face her
husband and says, "Dear,
please tell me just one positive thing about my body
so I can feel better about myself."

Harvey studies Gladys critically for a moment and
then says in a soft,
thoughtful voice, Well...there's nothing wrong with
your eyesight."

Services for Harvey Goldman will be held Tuesday
morning at 10:30