What B needs to bike thru the US

[admiral kutzov]

B is pyschotic and is biking thru the US this summer. We need to help him pack. Please list five things he needs.

1. Handgun. 9mm or bigger. Chicks dig big guns.
2. Passport. Granted our border patrol is a joke, but even they don't buy that "girlfriend in Canada" story
3. American dollars. Pole dancers don't take Canadian.
4. Hair. Bald people are profiled at INS.
5. a "Guide to the Deep South" or "Hey, You look mighty cute in them shorts." See also Tubby's guide to barb b q.

[Beorn]

Passport is not needed to cros the land border ... truckers would HATE that.

Canadian chicks don't dig big guns.

I definitely do not want to have to get a haircut halfway through so I'm leaving Montreal shaved bald.

Pole dancers will dig the accent though.

I'll try to keep rebuttling whatever's said here. All i need is a bit of love and some hardcore bull-headedness.

[grahamiam]

wow, that's a serious ride. What is your route?

[Beorn]

I asked the local car association thing for a "secondary routes" trip track and I'll have an answer within long. I'll pretty much follow the coast. Through NY there's a nice bike-shared road spanning north to south, after that it's a bit less organized in general.

[romeothemonk]

five things you need in America:
1) A bike path. Cars don't share too well
2) A good pair or three of compression shorts. Nothing like having "The boys" rubbed raw and getting infected
3) A nutrition plan. You will burn way too much energy to replace with normal eating, and too much fast food will give you the runs and diaper rash
4) A sissy seat. Nothing like getting your posterior pummeled for 40 straight days or so
5) A massuese. after 3 days on the road your legs are going to cramp like a mofo, and you will walk like Quasimodo if you don't get them worked on.

[Beorn]

I just realized I didn't answer you, gram. Montreal - Tampa is the original plan, will add or remove as the shape goes on or off. Key West would be the first extention, maybe come back through Texas and Louisiana to witness the hicksfirst hand and eat the original Cajun. That would also open up Idiot land but then it would make me come back through the Appalachians and I was trying to avoid that.

I really wonder wether cars share better in the US than in Quebec, since here cars don't even remotely consider sharing for pedestrians. Jaywalking is a consequenceless habit here because whatever you do, cars won't let you go, so you just cross whenever you see an opening. But cars are cars and I wouldn't be surprised that they don't share any more than they do here.

[Robboo]

Give me a PM if you come in Louisiana. I can help you stay clear of the bad areas and give you some suggestions on food places...got to keep you out of the tourist traps to taste some real Cajun food. Here is teh first hint...if its too spicy to eat..its not Real Cajun food, its Touristy Cajun food.

Mississippi and Alabama are your hick states. If you stay South of i-10 in Louisiana you avoid the hicks(red necks).

I have a link at work of a guy who road from Mexico to Maine...I will try to remember to post it

[killercane]

quote:That would also open up Idiot land but then it would make me come back through the Appalachians and I was trying to avoid that.
Appalachia is where the cheap women and and beer is at.

You could combine this with eating only McDonalds the whole way and film the fun.

[Beorn]

I havent set foot in a McDo for years and I dont intend to start now!!!

[Whomp]

B--did my links help at all? You really need to write about this. You should start out speaking French to people and see how that works out for you.

Kind of a Canadian Borat thing.

[Beorn]

Oh yes they did, especially the one about the guy who took a cross-Canada ride. The exact gear and meal plan are the most crucial things for the ride to work, then having a road plan and trip guidance help you get somewhere. I just started gearing up and I don't have my route in hand yet.

About the Borat thing ... I'm so going to be over careful about everything once I'm South of the border, I don't think I'll have the stones of that. I mean, people could sue me for pissing in their bushes, that's crazy. No regards for peeful people.

[admiral kutzov]

quote:Originally posted by Beorn


About the Borat thing ... I'm so going to be over careful about everything once I'm South of the border, I don't think I'll have the stones of that. I mean, people could sue me for pissing in their bushes, that's crazy. No regards for peeful people.


B, we gun people here in the US get very nervous about men on bikes near our stills. However, if you have big boobs, blonde hair and daisy dukes, then tubby may give u some luv.

[Tubby Rower]

there's a guy at work that attempted to bike accross the US and he made it to Iowa (west to east). He said that the worst part about it was not being able to share stuff with. He camped most days in a week and stayed at a hotel once or twice to have a shower and a nice bed to pass out in.

[Beorn]

One guy told me of a very neat invention: chamois gel, kind of a butt grease for cycling lubrification. I really think it's awesome. You put that at the bottom of your compressor shorts and voilà, your butt is all greasy - a bit awkwards but certainly for the best.

[romeothemonk]

I don't know about that. I am a straight guy and not really too keen on the idea of putting gel, lotion or anything else really on my butt.
See my earlier point about a sissy seat. "Gel padded=sissy seat"
Getting properly sized compression shorts is easy to do as well, and you can easily ride 50+ miles with no chaffing.

[Beorn]

I decided to get a dog spray can for self-defence. I'm pretty sure that'll pass the border. Bear pepper spray would've been more tricky to explain, but stray dogs could be reasons enough to get these cans anyways.

My bike was supposed to arrive last wednesday but the shipment they got didn't include it. ETA tuesday. I had a mega binge booked on thursday and it's been raining here anyways so I might have just waited until tuesday.

I tried compressor shorts with and without butt gel, and there's a difference. On 150+ km days, it's way worth it.

So here's the final checklist:

Clothes

2 compressor shorts
2 bike shirts
swimsuit soap for the above
Riding gloves
2 t-shirts
1 bathing suit
1 short jeans
1 leg warmers
2 bike socks
1 socks pair
1 wool socks pair
1 contact lenses pair
1 sweat towel
pedal clamp sneakers
sandals
sunglasses
glasses

Bike stuff

helmet
1 handle-on mirror
2 wheel raincovers
1 spare tire
tire repair kit
duct tape
dirt towel
CO2 tire inflator
Rear rack and panniers

Sanity check

Isaac Asimov's Prelude to Tantor (#1 of the Robots series, I, Robot through to Under the Burning Sun)
Butt gel
Solar screen (15 body, 50 nose)
Tiger balm (muscle lotion)
Traumeel (joint lotion)
Flovent (in case my asthma comes out - it only does if I abuse of myself)
Allergy pills
toothbrush/paste/floss
MAPS
Body soap
Energy bars
2 water bottles
deodorant
ear plugs

Question marks

Extra spokes? I'll be pretty much urban all the way down, it shouldn't be a problem if I lose one temporarily.

Night lights? I won't ride at night, maybe in the rain.

GPS? I didn't write odometer above since I'm not sure wether to get a GPS altogether.

I still have about 48 hours to make my mind about it all. I'll probably drop it all though.

[BCLG100]

this might sound stupid but what about a camera, surely your gonna see some nice stuff along the way? plus we all want to see what happens! :D

[Beorn]

I'm not a picture guy. I might carry a mp3 kind of voice recorder though. But I honestly never look at pictures, read my diaries or dwell in the past in any way ... so it's not really appealing.

[Beorn]

About the route, I have it and had time to make my corrections to the plan they gave me ... basically:

From the border, 9 through NYS to the Cape May / Lewes ferry
13 from Salisbury MC to New Bern NC
17 from Jacksonville to Charleston SC
301 to Gainesville FL
19 to Mickey Mouse's backyard.

[Tubby Rower]

is that days? When do you plan on being in Charleston, SC? That's where I'm from.

Will you be travelling through VA? I wouldn't mind meeting up with you and springing for a meal if you're coming within a reasonable distance.

[Beorn]

I'd say a week and a half from departure, give or take. I'll barely go through VA, I'll be on the 13 near the coast for that while too. I'm the one who's clueless about what's where here, so the larger names on google maps were Norfolk and Suffolk. I'll come from the Chesapeake Bay bridge. If that rings a bell I'll be glad to take a detour :)

[Tubby Rower]

nah that's 3 hours away. You'll be by the coast and I'm in the mountains. I could never explain it to my wife to be gone in hopes of running into you [lol]

[admiral kutzov]

quote:it only does if I abuse of myself well, that's more information than I needed.
quote:I could never explain it to my wife to be gone in hopes of running into you she knows, won't be a surprise :beer:

B, still say you need to do the mountain route on the way back. I could show you local historical sites about the Pennsytuckly Idiot Rebellion.

[Beorn]

There's been breaking (literally) news about the trip back: I have to take a french for teaching test at the uni on June 15. This does mean that if I am to do the trip back, I'll have 0 time to spend down there and it'll be a huge hassle just clocking myself to make it on time. So I'm coming back by bus. Another year ...

[Beorn]

Right knee tendinitis: 1
Beorn's World Tour: 0

More after I get some sleep.

[Beorn]

OK, so my new plan was to go by plane to Tampa Bay on the 30th and see my Florida Warcraft bunch. Then I'd come back to dine with the Admiral on the 8th, stop at Holland MI for the other Warcraft dudes on the 9th and come back to Quebec City some time around the 12th.

However, greyhound didn't like it like that.

The bus I took out of Tampa got late to the Jacksonville FL station, at 10pm. From there, I have been given ill advice on how to get to Holland on time.

I learned afterwards that there had been a bus leaving at 2am that would've taken me to Holland on time. However, I had only been told to come back at 6:30am or noon. I haven't been able to get on the 6:30 bus because the ticket desk girl wouldn't let me. Instead, she told me to take the 7:30 bus to New York. Considering it was 5 hours until the next, I took it.

At that point, I was putting a name tag on my bags. Meanwhile, the other Greyhound dude was loading the bags in the bus and tore the name/adress tag I was holding on the other hand. I didn't get around to replace it because he loaded it in another bus and that other bus left the station instantly. It did have a Holland, MI tag on it, so as the tracking progress goes for the bag, I might eventually get confirmation it's in MI and go get it. So we will meet.

First thing I knew, I was in Baltimore, a couple hundred miles off course, half a day late. Hadn't shaved, washed, changed in forever.

The ticket clerk in Baltimore was more helpful: she actually told me exactly how late I was, how the bag tracking worked and how I could eventually claim refunds for the tickets I didn't get to use to Holland and back from MI to Montreal. I figured I'd just sneak-stay on that bus and get to NYC.

So right now, I'm at a friend's place with borrowed clothes, after my first shower, good meal and toothbrushing in 3 days. Hardcore, painful traffic in the tubes though from eating shitty bus station food.

I'll try tracking my luggage and set a date for when I'll go see them MI guys. Until then, I'll try to work out my newfound racism and hate of buses. I swear to God, they were all black, all of them, and I'm working really hard to push that fact out of my system. The digestion curve is really good, so I probably will have forgotten all about it within days. Hard to think of myself as a racist, still.