View Full Version : Joke of the day
I get lots of these so i figured i'd put them here for all to have a laugh. Feel free to spam your own jokes too.
The only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon quickie with their 8 year old son in the apartment
was to send him out on the balcony with a Popsicle and tell him to report on all the
neighbourhood activities.
He began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation:
"There's a car being towed from the parking lot!", he shouted.
A few moments passed . "An ambulance just drove by"
A few moments later, "Looks like the Anderson's have company", he called out.
"Matt's riding a new bike....."
A few moments later, 'Looks like the Sanders are moving"
"Jason is on his skate board...."
A few more moments, "The Coopers are having sex!!"
Startled, Mother and Dad shot up in bed.
Dad cautiously asked, "How do you know they are having sex?"
"Jimmy Cooper is standing on his balcony with a Popsicle."
lol
i only ever get crap spam
barbu1977
23-11-2006, 20:10
This is the last joke I LOLed:
A husband wakes up with a huge hangover the night after a business
function.
He forces himself to open his eyes and the first thing he sees is a
couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And,
next to them, a single red rose. The husband sits up in bed and sees
his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed.
He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order,
spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins,
cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the
bathroom mirror and notices a note on the table: "Honey, breakfast is on the
stove, I left early to go shopping. Love you!" He stumbles to the kitchen
and sure enough, there is hot breakfast and the morning newspaper.
His son is also at the table, eating. The husband asks, "Son . .
what happened last night?" "Well, you came home after 3 am, drunk and out
of your mind. You broke the coffee table, puked in the hallway and got
that black eye when you ran into the door."
The husband asks, "So, why is everything in such perfect order, so
clean, I have a rose and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?"
His son replies, "Oh, THAT! . . . Mom dragged you to the bedroom
and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, 'Leave me alone,
bitch, I'm married!!'!"
Broken table--$200
Hot breakfast--$5
Red rose bud--$3
Two aspirins--$.25
Saying the right thing, at the right time . . . PRICELESS
I've posted this somewhere else iirc, but not here.
A Russian businessman got really drunk on a banquet into oblivion then went to some postitute which had menstruation. Next morning he wakes up and does not remember a thing about yesterday's events. He walks down to bathroom and while looking in the mirror notices his hands are bloody. So he thinks, - Shit, I must have killed someone yesterday night! He looks again in the mirror and thinks, - Crap, and then I ate him!
Variety on akots' joke:
Guy wakes up after a heavy night of drinking. Gets out of bed, checks his jacquet pockets and a bra comes out; Checks his pants pocket and female undies come out. Walks into the bathroom to splash some water in his face, looks in the mirror and a little thread is hanging out of the corner of his mouth and he says to himself: 'I sure hope that's just a teabag.....'
Pastorius
24-11-2006, 07:35
[rotfl]
Darkness
24-11-2006, 10:04
[lol]
That was disgustingly funny ProPain[lol]
Here's another one from me
There was a preacher whose wife was expecting a baby so he went before the congregation and asked for a raise. After much discussion, they passed a rule that whenever the preacher's family expanded, so would his paycheck.
After 6 children, this started to get expensive and the congregation decided to hold another meeting to discuss the preacher's salary.
There was much yelling and bickering about how much the clergyman's additional children were costing the church.Finally, the Preacher got up and spoke to the crowd, "Children are a gift from God," he said. Silence fell on the congregation.
In the back pew,a little old lady stood up and in her frail voice said, "Rain is also a gift from God, but when we get too much of it, we wear rubbers."
And the congregation said, "Amen."
Pastorius
24-11-2006, 10:58
[snicker]
socralynnek
24-11-2006, 11:07
Rather old one:
Why do mathematicians always confuse Halloween with Christmas?
Because Oct 31 = Dec 25
Melifluous
24-11-2006, 11:46
quote:Originally posted by socralynnek
Rather old one:
Why do mathematicians always confuse Halloween with Christmas?
Because Oct 31 = Dec 25
[beer1] awesome, Geek rating 10! [beer1]
[meli]
socralynnek
24-11-2006, 12:06
Oh, and my favourite (maybe even geekier)
there are 10 kinds of people, those who understand binary and those who don't.
Lt. Killer M
24-11-2006, 12:15
In Bavaria, a Weißwurst factory explodes, sprinkling Weißwürste everywhere.
((here's a pic for those who do not know Weißwürst:
http://www.civ3duelzone.com/forum/uploaded/Lt. Killer M/20061124121139_sausages_weisswurst_sm.jpg
4.56KB)
'Everywhere' means 'everywhere' - a few get blown up so high that they land on clouds.
An angel picks one up. 'What is this?', he wonders.... and runs off to St. Peter to ask.
St. Peter is equally cluelss. 'Why not ask Junior, he spent some time down there', he suggests.
But Jesus also is clueless! After looking at the sausage carefully for a long time, he suggests: 'Aks my Mom, she's from down there, she might knwow!'
So the angel races off to find Mary. He hands her the Weißwurst, and she carefully looks it over. Finally she says:
'No, I have never seen this before, but it does feel like the Holy Spirit!'
Pastorius
25-11-2006, 10:42
[col]
Not a joke as such but i found it funny:D
One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed.
Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says,
"I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me."
I said, "WHAT??!! What was that?!"
So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to
hear...
"You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough
for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man."
She responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just love me
for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?"
Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to
sleep.
The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time
with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went
shopping at a big, big unnamed department store.
I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits.
She couldn't decide which one to take,
so I told her we'd just buy them all.
She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said,
"Lets get a pair for each outfit."
We went on to the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of
diamond earrings. Let me tell you... she was so excited. She must
have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think
she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she
doesn't even know how to play tennis.
I think I threw her for a loop when I said, "That's fine, honey."
She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the
excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation, she finally said, "I
think this is all dear, let's go to the cashier."
I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No honey, I don't
feel like it."
Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a
baffled, "WHAT?"
I then said, "Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while.
You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for
me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman."
And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I
added, "Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the
things I buy you?"
Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either....but at least she knows I'm smarter than her.
Pastorius
26-11-2006, 13:50
[rotfl]
Is this for real, or did you find it somewhere?
Rik Meleet
26-11-2006, 13:59
I must remember that :)
Quiz
You are driving in a car at a constant speed. On your left side is a valley and on your right side is a fire engine traveling at the same speed as you.
In front of you is a galloping pig which is the same size as your car and you cannot overtake it. Behind you is a helicopter flying at ground level. Both the giant pig and the helicopter are also traveling at the same speed as you.
What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation?
(scroll down)
Answer:
Get off the children's carousel and, next time, don't drink so much. [guiness]
romeothemonk
27-11-2006, 00:45
Awesome. I Laughed for minutes!!
quote:Originally posted by Paalikles
[rotfl]
Is this for real, or did you find it somewhere?
I get these emails from friends. Don't know if its true or not but its definately something to keep in mind if the situation ever arises ;)
A tourist in Amsterdam wants to have a go in the Red Light District. He sees two doors. The entry fee for the left door is €5,- and for the right door €50,-. Easy pick: he pays five euro and walks into the left door. However, the only thing he sees there is a cow in an empty room with just a large mirror. "What a bummer! Well, I've paid for sex anyway, so why not give it a go?" The next day he goes to the same place and thinks to get proper sex if he goes to through the right door, so he pays fifty euro and goes in. There he sees a lot of people all watching a couple have sex in another room. "What's so special about this?" he asks. "Oh, you should've been here yesterday! Someone fucked a cow!!"
CONVERTING A BEAR
A priest, a Pentecostal preacher and a Rabbi all served as chaplains
to the students of Northern Michigan University in Marquette.
They would get together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk shop.
One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't
really all that hard. A real challenge would be to preach to a bear.
One thing led to another and they decided to do an experiment. They
would all go out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and
attempt to convert it.
Seven days later, they're all together to discuss the experience.
Father Flannery, who has his arm in a sling, is on crutches, and has
various bandages, goes first. "Well," he says, "I went into the woods to find me a bear. And when I found him I began to read to him from the Catechism. Well, that bear wanted nothing to do with me and began to slap me around. So I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary Mother of God, he became as gentle a lamb. The bishop is coming out next week to give him first communion and confirmation."
Reverend Billy Bob spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, with an arm and both legs in casts, and an IV drip. In his best fire and brimstone oratory he claimed, " WELL brothers, you KNOW that we don't sprinkle! I went out and I FOUND me a bear. And then I began to read to my bear from God's HOLY WORD! But that bear wanted nothing to do with me. So I took HOLD of him and we began to wrestle. We wrestled down one hill, UP another and DOWN another until we came to a creek. So I quick DUNKED him and BAPTIZED his hairy soul. And just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb. We spent the rest of the day praising Jesus."
They both looked down at the rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed.
He was in a body cast and traction with IV's and monitors running in
and out of him. He was in bad shape.
The rabbi looks up and says, "Looking back on it, circumcision may not have been the best way to start."
socralynnek
30-11-2006, 13:49
Damn, it's pretty bad if one misses the point because of not knowing the decisive word.
I had to look up circumcision...it's not as funny now as it had been if I had known the word before...
Tubby Rower
30-11-2006, 14:07
[lol] that was funnier than the joke ynnek
A short one:)
A man and his wife are dining at a table in a plush restaurant, and the husband keeps staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sits alone at a nearby table.
The wife asks, "Do you know her?"
"Yes," the husband sighs, "She's my ex-girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up seven years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since."
"My God!" says the wife, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?
Darkness
11-12-2006, 09:21
[lol]
> A husband and wife were having dinner at a very expensive restaurant when this absolutely
stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big open-mouthed kiss, then
says she'll see him later and walks away.
> The wife glares at her husband and asks, "Who was that?"
> "Oh," replies the husband, "she's my mistress."
> "Well, that's the last straw," storms the wife. "I've had enough! I want a divorce!"
> "I can understand that," replies her husband, "but remember, if we get a divorce it will mean
no more shopping trips to Paris , no more wintering in Barbados, no more summers in Tuscany , no
more Lexus in the garage and no more yacht club. But the decision is yours."
> Just then, a friend of theirs enters the restaurant with a gorgeous babe on his arm.
> "Who's that woman with Jim?" asks the wife.
> "That's his mistress," says her husband.
> "Ours is prettier!" says the wife.
Harvey and Gladys Goldman are getting ready for bed.
Gladys is standing in
front of her full-length mirror, taking a long, hard
look at herself. You know, Harvey," she comments. "I
stare into this mirror
and I see an ancient creature. My face is all
wrinkled, my arms and legs are
as flabby as popped balloons, and...my butt looks
like a sad, deflated
version of the Hindenberg!" She turns to face her
husband and says, "Dear,
please tell me just one positive thing about my body
so I can feel better about myself."
Harvey studies Gladys critically for a moment and
then says in a soft,
thoughtful voice, Well...there's nothing wrong with
your eyesight."
Services for Harvey Goldman will be held Tuesday
morning at 10:30
Rik Meleet
09-01-2007, 13:38
[lol]
Pastorius
09-01-2007, 22:58
[rotfl]
Lt. Killer M
09-01-2007, 23:19
40th wedding anniversary. The couple has returned to their honeymoon hotel, bokked the honeymoon suit again. She comes out of the bathroom in the same old skimpy nightgown. 'Honey, do you remember what you thought back when I first wore this?'
'Hm, yeah, I thoought I wanna suck her tits empty and fuck her braindead!'
'And.....?????'
'Hrmph, I did a pretty good job, methinks!'
Its not a joke but its still funny
> > TOP TEN THINGS THAT SOUND DIRTY, BUT IN A LAW FIRM
> > AREN'T:
> >
> > 10. Have you looked through her briefs?
> > 9. He is one hard judge.
> > 8. Counsellor, let's do it in chambers.
> > 7. Her attorney withdrew at the last minute.
> > 6. Is it a penal offence?
> > 5. Better leave the handcuffs on.
> > 4. For $200 an hour, she better be good!
> > 3. Can you get him to drop his suit?
> > 2. The judge gave her the stiffest one he could.
> > And the number 1:
> > 1. Think you can get me off?
> >
> > TOP TEN THINGS THAT SOUND DIRTY, BUT IN THE OFFICE
> > AREN'T:
> > 10. I need to whip it out by 5.
> > 9. Mind if I use your laptop?
> > 8. Just stick it in my box.
> > 7. If I have to lick one more, I'll gag!
> > 6. I want it on my desk, NOW!!!!!
> > 5. HMMMMM, I think it's out of fluid!
> > 4. My equipment is so old, it takes forever to
> > finish.
> > 3. It's an entry level position.
> > 2. When do you think you'll be getting off today?
> > And the number 1:
> > 1. It's not fair. I do all the work while he just
> > sits there!!!
> >
> >
> > TOP TEN THINGS THAT SOUND DIRTY, BUT IN GOLF AREN'T:
> >
> > 10. Damn, my shaft is bent.
> > 9. After 18 holes, I can barely walk.
> > 8. You really whacked the hell out of that sucker.
> > 7. Look at the size of his putter.
> > 6. Keep your head down and spread your legs a bit
> > more.
> > 5. Mind if I join your threesome ?
> > 4. Stand with your back turned and drop it.
> > 3. My hands are so sweaty I can't get a good grip.
> > 2. Nice stroke, but your follow-through leaves a
> > lot to be desired.
> > And the number 1::
> > 1. Hold up! I need to wash my balls first
The countrywomen club is having a meeting about emancipation. They talk about their successes.
First woman:
"I've been married for twenty years and every day I iron his vests.
One day I said to him: 'I'm not doing it anymore. If you want them smooth, you'll have to do it yourself.'
The first day...I saw nothing.
The second day...I still saw nothing.
The third day...I saw him iron his vests!"
All the women applauded!
Second woman:
"I've been married for fifteen years and every day I wash his dirty stinky socks.
Then I said to him: 'You can do it yourself. I'm done with it.'
The first day...I saw nothing.
The second day...I still saw nothing.
The third day...I saw him wash his socks himself!"
All the women applauded again!
Third woman:
"I'm married ten years now and everyday I make couscous for him.
But then I said: 'I make no couscous anymore for you. If you want couscous, make them yourself.'
The first day...I saw nothing.
The second day...I still saw nothing.
The third day...I could see very little again through my left eye!"
The only cow in a small Kentucky town stopped giving
milk. The
people did some research and found that they could
buy a cow just across the
state line in Illinois for $200.
They brought the cow from Illinois and the cow was
wonderful. It
produced lots of milk all of the time, and the
people were very happy.
They decided to acquire a bull to mate with the cow
to produce more cows
like it. They would never have to worry about their
milk supply again.
They bought the bull and put it in the pasture with
their beloved cow.
However, whenever the bull tried to mount the cow,
the cow would move away.
No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow
would move away from the
bull and he could no succeed in his quest. The
people were very upset and
decided to ask
the Vet, who was very wise, what to do.
They told the Vet what was happening. "Whenever the
bull tires to mount our
cow, she moves away. If he approaches from the back,
she moves forward. When
he approaches her from the front, she
backs off. An attempt from the side, she walks away
to the other side."
The Vet thought about this for a minute and asked,
"Did you by
chance, buy this cow in Illinois?"
The people were dumbfounded, since no one had ever
mentioned where they
bought the cow. "You are truly a wise Vet," they
said.
"How did you know we got the cow in Illinois?"
The Vet replied with a distant look in his eye, "My
wife is from Illinois."
> > An Italian, a Frenchman and an Indian was drinking
> > at a bar discussing what
> > they had done the previous evening.
> >
> > The Italian says: "Last night I massaged my wife all
> > over her body with the
> > finest olive oil, then we made passionate love and I
> > made her scream non
> > stop for five minutes."
> >
> > The Frenchman says: "Last night I massaged my wife
> > all over her body with a
> > special aphrodisiac oil, then we made passionate
> > love. I made her scream
> > for fifteen minutes straight."
> >
> > The Indian says: That's nothing. Last night I
> > massaged my wife all over her
> > body with a special butter. I caressed her entire
> > body with the butter,
> > then made love and I made her scream for two long
> > hours."
> >
> > The Italian and Frenchman, astonished, asked, "Two
> > hours, phenomenal! How
> > did you do it to make her scream for two hours?"
> > Indian : "I wiped my hands on the curtains."
> The American Way: A Modern Parable.
>
> A Japanese company ( Toyota ) and an American company
> (General Motors) decided to have a canoe race on the
> Missouri River . Both teams practiced long and hard
> to reach their peak performance before the race.
>
> On the big day, the Japanese won by a mile.
>
> The Americans, very discouraged and depressed, decided
> to investigate the reason for the crushing defeat. A
> management team made up of senior management was
> formed to investigate and recommend appropriate
> action.
>
> Their conclusion was the Japanese had 8 people rowing
> and 1 person steering, while the American team had 8
> people steering and 1 person rowing.
>
> Feeling a deeper study was in order; American
> management hired a consulting company and paid them a
> large amount of money for a second opinion. They
> advised, of course, that too many people were steering
> the boat, while not enough people were rowing.
>
> Not sure of how to utilize that nformation, but
> wanting to prevent another loss to the Japanese, the
> rowing team's management structure was totally
> reorganized to 4 steering supervisors, 3 area steering
> superintendents and 1 assistant superintendent
> steering manager.
>
> They also implemented a new performance system that
> would give the
> 1 person rowing the boat greater incentive to work
> harder. It was called the "Rowing Team Quality First
> Program, with meetings, dinners and free pens for the
> rower. There was discussion of getting
> new paddles, canoes and other equipment, extra
> vacation days for practices and bonuses.
>
> The next year the Japanese won by two miles.
>
> Humiliated, the American management laid off the rower
> for poor performance, halted development of a new
> canoe, sold the paddles, and canceled all capital
> investments for new equipment.
>
> The money saved was distributed to the Senior
> Executives as bonuses and the next
> year's racing team was out-sourced to India .
>
> The End.
Tubby Rower
29-03-2007, 12:55
[lol] I can relate to that one on several different levels [tubs]
That one was violent ! love it :)
Rik Meleet
29-03-2007, 18:00
Here's Robi D's powerpoint story.
http://www.guy-sports.com/fun_pictures/pps/TeamRace.pps
Why you should always check, double check and then check again:D
All of these are legitimate companies that didn't spend quite enough time
considering how their online names might appear ... and be misread.
These are not made up. Check them out yourself!
1. "Who Represents" is where you can find the name of the agent that
represents any celebrity. Their Web site is www.whorepresents.com
2 . Experts Exchange is a knowledge base where programmers can exchange
advice and views at www.expertsexchange.com
They have changed it now after a few too many illdirected enquires and added a hyphen :Dto make it www.experts-exchange.com
3. Looking for a pen? Look no further than Pen Island at www.penisland.net
4. Need a therapist? Try Therapist Finder at www.therapistfinder.com
5. There's the Italian Power Generator company, www.powergenitalia.com
After noticing the problem [blush] they changed it to www.batterychargerpowergen.it
6. And don't forget the Mole Station Native Nursery in New South Wales ,
www.molestationnursery.com
7. If you're looking for IP computer software, there's always
www.ipanywhere.com
8. The First Cumming Methodist Church Web site is www.cummingfirst.com
9. And the designers at Speed of Art await you at their wacky Web site,
www.speedofart.com
Those are way too funny Robi.
I read this in the Internatioal Herald Tribune today.
Beer Contains Female Hormones
Last month, National University of Lesotho scientists released the
results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female
hormones in beer.
Men should take a concerned look at their beer consumption. The theory
is that beer contains female hormones (hops contain
phytoestrogens) and that by drinking enough beer, men turn into women.
To test the theory, 100 men drank 8 pints of beer, each within a 1 hour
period. It was then observed that 100% of the test subjects:
1) Argued over nothing.
2) Refused to apologize when obviously wrong.
3) Gained weight.
4) Talked excessively without making sense.
5) Became overly emotional.
6) Couldn't drive.
7) Failed to think rationally.
8) Had to sit down while urinating.
No further testing was considered necessary.
According to a news report, a certain private school in Aberdeen was
recently faced with a unique problem. A number of 12-year-old girls
were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom.
That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press
their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints. Every
night the janitor would remove them and the next day the girls would
put them back.
Finally the principal decided that something had to be done. She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the janitor. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the janitor who had to clean the mirrors every night.
To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked the janitor to show the girls how much effort was required. He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it. Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.
There are teachers, and then there are educators...
Darkness
03-04-2007, 22:15
quote:Originally posted by Beam
According to a news report, a certain private school in Aberdeen was
recently faced with a unique problem. A number of 12-year-old girls
were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom.
That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press
their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints. Every
night the janitor would remove them and the next day the girls would
put them back.
Finally the principal decided that something had to be done. She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the janitor. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the janitor who had to clean the mirrors every night.
To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked the janitor to show the girls how much effort was required. He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it. Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.
There are teachers, and then there are educators...
Disgusting, yet funny.... :)
romeothemonk
04-04-2007, 00:32
quote:Originally posted by Whomp
Those are way too funny Robi.
I read this in the Internatioal Herald Tribune today.
Beer Contains Female Hormones
Last month, National University of Lesotho scientists released the
results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female
hormones in beer.
Men should take a concerned look at their beer consumption. The theory
is that beer contains female hormones (hops contain
phytoestrogens) and that by drinking enough beer, men turn into women.
To test the theory, 100 men drank 8 pints of beer, each within a 1 hour
period. It was then observed that 100% of the test subjects:
1) Argued over nothing.
2) Refused to apologize when obviously wrong.
3) Gained weight.
4) Talked excessively without making sense.
5) Became overly emotional.
6) Couldn't drive.
7) Failed to think rationally.
8) Had to sit down while urinating.
No further testing was considered necessary.
This is truely the work of a comedic genius.
Howzabout some Chicago gangster humor. Tony the Tuna Jackie the Lackie kind of stuff....
An old Italian man lived alone in the country. He wanted to dig his tomato garden but it was very hard work as the ground was so hard. The problem was his only son, Vincent, who used to help him was now in prison.
The old man wrote his son a letter and described his predicament.
Dear Vincenzo,
I am feeling pretty bad today because it looks like I won't be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I'm just too old to be digging a garden plot. I know if you were here my troubles would be over. I know you would be happy to dig the plot for me.
Love,
Daddy Vito
A few days later he received a letter from his son.
Dear Daddy Vito,
Don't dig up the garden. That's where I buried the bodies.
Love,
Vinnie
At 4 am the next morning FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left.
That same day the old man received another letter from his son.
Dear Dad,
Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances.
Love,
Vinnie
[lol] I like that one Whomp
In ancient Greece (469 - 399 BC) Socrates was widely lauded for his wisdom.
One day the great philosopher came upon a friend who ran up to him
excitedly and said, "Socrates, do you know what I just heard about one of your students?"
"Wait a moment," Socrates replied. "Before you tell me I'd like you to pass a little test.
It's called the Triple Filter Test."
"Triple filter?"
"That's right," Socrates continued. "Before you talk to me about my
student let's take a moment to filter what you're going to say.
The first filter is Truth. Have you made absolutely sure that what you are about to tell me is true?"
"No," the man said, "actually I just heard about it and..."
"All right," said Socrates. "So you don't really know if it's true or
not.
Now let's try the second filter, the filter of Goodness. Is what you
are about to tell me about my student something good?"
"No, on the contrary..."
"So," Socrates continued, "you want to tell me something bad about
him, even though you're not certain it's true?"
The man shrugged, a little embarrassed.
Socrates continued. "You may still pass the test though, because there is a third filter - the filter of Usefulness. Is what you want to tell me about my student going to be useful to me?"
"No, not really"
"Well," concluded Socrates, "if what you want to tell me is neither True nor Good nor even Useful, why tell it to me at all?"
The man was defeated and ashamed. This is the reason Socrates was a great philosopher and held in such high esteem.
It also explains why he never found out that Plato was banging his
wife !!!
Shabbaman
11-04-2007, 22:37
Today I read a joke fitting for CDZ:
Q – Why do anarchists drink herbal tea?
A – Because all proper tea is theft.
A man had just been hired as the new CEO of a large high tech corporation.
The CEO who was stepping down met with him privately and presented him with three numbered envelopes.
"Open one of these if you run up against a problem you don't think you can solve," he said.
Well, things went along pretty smoothly, but six months later, sales took a downturn and he was really catching a lot of heat.
About at his wits end, he remembered the envelopes. He went to his drawer and took out the first envelope.
The message read, "Blame your predecessor.”
The new CEO called a press conference and tactfully laid the blame at the feet of the previous CEO.
Satisfied with his comments, the press -- and Wall Street -- responded positively.
Sales began to pick up and the problem was soon behind him.
About a year later, the company was again experiencing a slight dip in sales, combined with serious product problems.
Having learned from his previous experience, the CEO quickly opened the second envelope.
The message read, "Reorganize.”
This he did, and the company quickly rebounded.
After several consecutive profitable quarters, the company once again fell on difficult times.
The CEO went to his office, closed the door and opened the third envelope.
The message said, "Prepare three envelopes"..
A man had just been hired as the new CEO of a large high tech corporation.
The CEO who was stepping down met with him privately and presented him with three numbered envelopes.
"Open one of these if you run up against a problem you don't think you can solve," he said.
Well, things went along pretty smoothly, but six months later, sales took a downturn and he was really catching a lot of heat.
About at his wits end, he remembered the envelopes. He went to his drawer and took out the first envelope.
The message read, "Blame your predecessor.”
The new CEO called a press conference and tactfully laid the blame at the feet of the previous CEO.
Satisfied with his comments, the press -- and Wall Street -- responded positively.
Sales began to pick up and the problem was soon behind him.
About a year later, the company was again experiencing a slight dip in sales, combined with serious product problems.
Having learned from his previous experience, the CEO quickly opened the second envelope.
The message read, "Reorganize.”
This he did, and the company quickly rebounded.
After several consecutive profitable quarters, the company once again fell on difficult times.
The CEO went to his office, closed the door and opened the third envelope.
The message said, "Prepare three envelopes"..
> > *It was the mailman's last day on the job after
> > 35 years of carrying
> > the
> > mail through all kinds of weather to the same *
> > *neighborhood.*
> > * When he arrived at the first house on his route
> > he was greeted by
> > the
> > whole family there, who congratulated him and sent
> > him on his way with a
> > big
> > gift envelope. At the second house they presented
> > him with a box of
> > fine
> > cigars The folks at the third house handed him a
> > selection of terrific
> > fishing *
> > *lures.*
> > *At the final house he was met at the door by a
> > strikingly beautiful
> > blonde
> > in a revealing negligee She took him by the hand,
> > gently led him through
> > the
> > door (which she closed behind him), and led him up
> > the stairs to the
> > bedroom
> > where she blew his mind with the most passionate
> > love he had ever
> > experienced. When he had enough they went
> > downstairs, where she fixed
> > him a
> > giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage,
> > blueberry waffles, and
> > fresh-squeezed orange juice. When he was truly
> > satisfied she poured him
> > a
> > cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he
> > noticed a dollar bill
> > sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge. *
> > *"All this was just too wonderful for words," he
> > said, "but what's the
> > dollar for?"*
> > *"Well," she said, "last night, I told my husband
> > that today would be
> > your
> > last day, and that we should do something special
> > for you. I asked him
> > what
> > to give you." *
> > *He said, "Screw him - - - give him a dollar."*
> > *The blonde then blushed and said, "The breakfast
> > was my idea"*
A blind guy walks into a barroom and finds a stool at the bar.
"Hey, want to hear a really great blond joke?" He says when the bartender brings him his drink.
The place goes quiet, then the guy sitting on his left leans over and says in a low voice: "Before you tell that joke, you should know something. The bartender is blond, the bouncer is blond and I'm a 6' tall, 200 lb blond with a black belt in karate. The guy sitting on your right is 6'2," weighs 225 and he's a rugby player. The fella to his right is 6'5" and pushing 300 and he's a wrestler. We're all blonds. Think about it, Pal. You really wanna tell that joke?"
The blind guy thinks for a minute, then says, "Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."
Redneck Logic.....
Two Conway, South Carolina farmers, Jimmy Ray and Joe Bob, are sitting at their favorite bar, drinking beer. Jimmy Ray turns to Joe Bob and says, "You know, I'm tired of going through life without an education. Tomorrow I think I'll go to the technical college, and sign up for some classes."
Joe Bob thinks it's a good idea, and the two leave.
The next day, Jimmy Ray goes down to the college and meets with the Dean of Admissions, who signs him up for the four basic classes:
Math, English, History, and Logic.
"Logic?" Jimmy Ray says. "What's that?"
The dean says, "I'll give you an example. Do you own a weed eater?"
"Yeah, answers Jimmy Ray."
"Then logically speaking, because you own a weed eater, I think that you would have a yard."
"That's true, I do have a yard."
"I'm not done," the dean says. "Because you have a yard, I think logically that you would have a house."
"Yes, I do have a house."
"And because you have a house, I think that you might logically have a family."
"Yes, I have a family."
"I'm not done yet. Because you have a family, then logically you must have a wife, and because you have a wife, then logic tells me you must be a heterosexual."
"I am a heterosexual. That's amazing, you were able to find out all of that because I have a weed eater."
Excited to take the class now, Jimmy Ray shakes the Dean's hand and leaves to go meet Joe Bob at the bar. He tells Joe Bob about his classes, how he is signed up for Math, English, History, and Logic.
"Logic?" Joe Bob says, "What's that?"
Jimmy Ray smiles and says, "I'll give you an example. Do you have a weed eater?"
"No."
"Then you're a queer."
Tubby Rower
30-04-2007, 02:14
Hey!! I have family in Conway, South Carolina. And yes, sometimes they can be that stupid [lol]
You mean "Joke of the Month"?
anywho,....Sipping Vodka:
A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.
The monsignor replied, " When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."
So next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink.
He proceeded to talk up a storm.
Upon his return to his office after the mass, he found the following note on the door:
1) Sip the vodka, don't gulp.
2) There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3) There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4) Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5) Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
6) We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
7) The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the spook.
8) David slew Goliath, he did not kick the $$=+ out of him.
9) When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.
10)We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T."
11)When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper he said, "take this and eat it for it is my body." He did not say " Eat me" .
12)The Virgin Mary is not called " Mary with the Cherry,.
13)The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, Yeah God.
14)Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St.Peter's not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.
Nobody else has any jokes?
A cowboy walks into a bar in Texas, orders three mugs of brew and sits
in the back room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn.
When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.
The bartender approaches and tells him, "You know, a mug goes flat after
I draw it so it would taste better if you bought just one at a time."
The cowboy replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in
Australia, the other is in Dublin and I'm in Texas. When we all left
home, we& nbsp;promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days we were
together. So I drink one for each of my brothers and one for myself."
The bartender admits that this is a nice custom and leaves it there. The
cowboy becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way. He
orders three mugs and drinks them in turn.
One day, he comes in and orders only two mugs! All the regulars take
notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second
round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I
wanted to offer my condolences on your loss."
The cowboy looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns and he
laughs. "Oh, no, everybody's just fine," he explains. "It's just that my
wife and I joined the Baptist Church and obviously I had to quit
drinking. Hasn't affected my brothers though."
romeothemonk
07-07-2007, 17:08
I got a couple of jokes.
How is a woman like a tornado?
First there is a lot of sucking and blowing, and then you lose your house.
What did one fish say to the other in the tank?
You work the guns and I'll drive.
Not a joke but a fun fact
A 2007 study found that the average Australian walks about 900 miles a
year.
Another study found that Australians drink an average of 22 gallons of
beer a year.
That means, on average, Australians get about 41 miles per gallon.
Not bad eh!
Not a woman, but thought this was funny anyways....lol
http://www.civ3duelzone.com/forum/uploaded/mauer/200772125128_image015.jpg
23.58KB
OK I got some little Johnny jokes...
A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, "Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up!" After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up. The teacher said, "Do you think you're stupid, Little Johnny?" "No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!"
Little Johnny attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs and rump, and chest. After a few minutes, Johnny asked, "Dad, why are you doing that?" His father replied, "Because when I'm buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy. Johnny, looking worried, said, "Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom."
Excerpts from a Dog's Daily Diary
8:00 am - Dog food! My favorite thing!
9:30 am - A car ride! My favorite thing!
9:40 am - A walk in the park! My favorite thing!
10:30 am - Got rubbed and petted! My favorite thing!
12:00 pm - Lunch! My favorite thing!
1:00 pm - Played in the yard! My favorite thing!
3:00 pm - Wagged my tail! My favorite thing!
5:00 pm - Milk bones! My favorite thing!
7:00 pm - Got to play ball! My favorite thing!
8:00 pm - Wow! Watched TV with the people! My favorite thing!
11:00 pm - Sleeping on the bed! My favorite thing!
Excerpts from a Cat's Daily Diary
Day 983 of my captivity.
My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects.
They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are
fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets. Although I make my contempt for
the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in
order to keep up my strength.
The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape. In an
attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet.
Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet.
I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it
clearly demonstrates what I am capable of. However, they merely made
condescending comments about what a "good little hunter" I am. Bastards.
There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was
placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event.
However,I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that
my confinement was due to the power of "allergies." I must learn what
this means, and how to use it to my advantage.
Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my
tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try
this again tomorrow -- but at the top of the stairs.
I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches.
The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released -and
seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously retarded.
The bird has got to be an informant. I observe him communicate with
the guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move.
My captors have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated
cell, so he is safe. For now
Two Irish engineers were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking up.
A blonde walked by and asks what they are doing.
Paddy said: "We're supposed to find the height of this flagpole, but we don't have a ladder"
The blonde took a spanner from her handbag, loosened a few bolts and laid the flagpole down. She then pulled a tape measure from her pocket, took a few measurements and announced that it was eighteen feet and six inches.
She then walked off.
Mick said: "Ain't that just like a blonde! We need the height and she gives us the length!".
classical_hero
08-08-2007, 14:23
A Priest and a Nun were riding together to go to a Catholic convention. Considering that it was late, they decided to stay at a motel on the way. Considering that they did not have much money, they decided to rent just one room and have the Nun sleep on the bed and the Priest would sleep on the couch, so that they would still remain celibate. Considering it was cold that night the Nun said to the Priest, "I am cold, what can you do about it?" So the Priest went to the closet and got out another blanket for her to keep warm. Unfortunately this did not keep the Nun warm, so she asked for another blanket and the Priest did so. The third time the Nun asked to be kept warm, she said, "I am cold and I need to keep warm, so just for tonight, can we be considered as being a married couple?" The Priest say, "That is alright to me, my dear. Now get your blanket yourself, I'm trying to sleep."
Pastorius
10-08-2007, 21:49
hehehe
romeothemonk
14-08-2007, 13:08
Did you hear about the new Star Trek Movie?
In an attempt to make the series more relevant and increase the younger viewing demographic, it will be full of violence and nudity!!
In fact it will be so bad that it picked up the following rating:
NCC-1701
Darkness
14-08-2007, 13:28
Oh dear, numerical trekkie jokes. These boards are going down the drain... ;)
socralynnek
14-08-2007, 13:50
Oh, wow, a trekkie joke...and not from me...
Thanks romeo...
BTW, how many Bajorans do you need to change a lightbulb?
Two. One to change it and one to check the Paq of the bulb.
Funny, eh? (Self-made joke)
Tubby Rower
14-08-2007, 13:57
with all of the knots getting tied around here...
Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 I soon noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources. In addition, Wife 1.0 installed itself into all other programs and now monitors all other system activity. Applications such as PokerNight 10.3, Football 5.0, Hunting and Fishing 7.5, and Racing 3.6 no longer run, crashing the system whenever selected. I can't seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run my favorite applications. I'm thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0, but the uninstall doesn't work on Wife 1.0.
Please help!
Thanks, A TroubledUser (SEE REPLY BELOW)
______________________________________
Reply
Dear Troubled User:
This is a very common problem about which men are complaining. Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0, thinking that it is just a Utilities and Entertainment program. Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and is designed by its Creator to run EVERYTHING!!! It is also impossible to delete Wife 1.0 and to return to Girlfriend 7.0. It is impossible to uninstall, or purge the program files from the system once installed. You cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is designed to not allow this. Look in your Wife 1.0 manual under Warnings-Alimony/Child-Support.
I recommend that you keep Wife1.0 and work on improving the situation. I suggest installing the background application "Yes Dear" to alleviate software augmentation. The best course of action is to enter the command C:\APOLOGIZE because ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGIZE command before the system will return to normal anyway. Wife 1.0 is a great program, but it tends to be very high maintenance. Wife 1.0 comes with several support programs, such as Clean and Sweep 3.0, Cook It 1.5 and Pay Bills 4.2. However, be very careful how you use these programs. Improper use will cause the system to launch the program Nag Nag Nag 9.5. Once this happens, the only way to improve the performance of Wife 1.0 is to purchase additional software. I recommend Flowers 2.1 and Diamonds 5.0 !
WARNING!!! DO NOT, under any circumstance, install Secretary With Short Skirt 3.3. This application is not supported by Wife 1.0 and will cause irreversible damage to the operating system.
Best of luck,
Tech Support
Tubby Rower
14-08-2007, 14:02
International Symbol of Marriage is Approved
After years of heated debate,
the Commission of Human Rights approved the new International Symbol of Marriage:
http://www.civ3duelzone.com/forum/uploaded/Tubby Rower/200781414134_marriage.gif
54.49KB
barbu1977
14-08-2007, 15:29
25 signs that you have finally grown up:
1. Your houseplants are alive, and you can't smoke any of them.
2. Having sex in a twin bed is out of the question.
3. You keep more food than beer in the fridge.
4. 6:00 AM is when you get up, not when you to go bed.
5. You hear your favorite song in an elevator.
6. You watch the Weather Channel.
7. Your friends marry and divorce instead of "hookup" and "break up".
8. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 14.
9. Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as "dressed up".
10. You're the one calling the police because those %&@#! kids next door won't turn down the stereo.
11. Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.
12. You don't know what time Taco Bell closes anymore.
13. Your car insurance goes down and your car payments go up.
14. You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonald's leftovers. 15. Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt.
16. You take naps.
17. Dinner and a movie is the whole date instead of the beginning of one.
18. Eating a basket of chicken wings at 3 AM would severely upset, rather than settle, your stomach.
19. You go to the drug store for ibuprofen and antacid, not condoms and pregnancy tests.
20. A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer "pretty good shit."
21. You actually eat breakfast food at breakfast time.
22. "I just can't drink the way I used to" replaces "I'm never going to drink that much again."
23. 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work.
24. You don't drink at home to save money before going to a bar anymore.
25. When you find out your friend is pregnant you congratulate them instead of asking "Oh shit what the hell happened?"
Bonus: 26. You read this entire list looking desperately for one sign that doesn't apply to you and can't find one to save your sorry old ass. Then you forward it to a bunch of old friends 'cause you know they'll enjoy it & do the same.
[lol] even though none apply to me still funny!
I think 23 is the only one that doesn't apply to me
This one is a classic.
[u]If Operating Systems were beer</u>
DOS Beer
Requires you to use your own can opener, and requires you to read the directions carefully before opening the can. Originally only came in an 8-oz. can, but now comes in a 16-oz. can. However, the can is divided into 8 compartments of 2 oz. each, which have to be accessed separately. Soon to be discontinued, although a lot of people are going to keep drinking it after it's no longer available.
Mac Beer
At first, came only a 16-oz. can, but now comes in a 32-oz. can. Considered by many to be a "light" beer. All the cans look identical. When you take one from the fridge, it opens itself. The ingredients list is not on the can. If you call to ask about the ingredients, you are told that "you don't need to know." A notice on the side reminds you to drag your empties to the trashcan.
Windows 3.1 Beer
Once considered the world's most popular beer. Comes in a 16-oz. can that looks a lot like Mac Beers. Requires that you already own a DOS Beer. Claims that it allows you to drink several DOS Beers simultaneously, but in reality you can only drink a few of them, very slowly, especially slowly if you are drinking the Windows Beer at the same time. Sometimes, for apparently no reason, a can of Windows Beer will explode when you open it.
OS/2 Beer
Comes in a 32-oz can. Does allow you to drink several DOS Beers simultaneously. Allows you to drink Windows 3.1 Beer simultaneously too, but somewhat slower. Advertises that its cans won't explode when you open them, even if you shake them up. You never really see anyone drinking OS/2 Beer, but the manufacturer (International Beer Manufacturing) claims that 9 million six-packs have been sold.
Windows 95 Beer
The can looks a lot like Mac Beer's can, but tastes more like Windows 3.1 Beer. It comes in 32-oz. cans, but when you look inside, the cans only have 16 oz. of beer in them. Most people will probably keep drinking Windows 3.1 Beer until their friends try Windows 95 Beer and say they like it. The ingredients list, when you look at the small print, has some of the same ingredients that come in DOS beer, even though the manufacturer claims that this is an entirely new brew.
Windows NT Beer
Comes in 32-oz. cans, but you can only buy it by the truckload. This causes most people to have to go out and buy bigger refrigerators. The can looks just like Windows 95 Beer. Touted as an "industrial strength" beer, and suggested only for use in bars.
Windows 98 Beer
Millions sampled Windows95 beer and noticed that it was often flat, right out of the can. The manufacturer of Windows95 beer decided to re-release it as Windows98 beer and guarantee it's freshness. Most consumers are skeptical of the manufacturer's claims, and will continue to drink flat Windows95 beer because they have acquired the taste for it.
Windows 2000 Beer
The manufacturer of the Windows line of beers says this will be "the" beer, if they can just finish playing with the ingredients. This beer will have many ingredients of Windows 95/98 and NT beers. Many drinkers in the future will be forced to drink this when they get thirsty since they won't be able to find Windows 95 or 98 or NT beer on the shelves. According to manufacturer it's combines the greatest taste ever with almost no calories. Only one problem, the cans explode without warning and take out half the refrigerator with them.
Unix Beer
Comes in several different brands, in cans ranging from 8 oz. to 64 oz. Drinkers of Unix Beer display fierce brand loyalty, even though they claim that all the different brands taste almost identical. Sometimes the pop-tops break off when you try to open them, so you have to have your own can opener around for those occasions, in which case you either need a complete set of instructions or a friend who has been drinking Unix Beer for several years.
Linux Beer
LINUX beer tastes just like Unix beer. Like Unix beer, Linux beer is intended for expert beer drinkers only. It originally had no pop tops or cans because you had to brew it yourself. First you would get a recipe and some yeast from a Unix guru. Then go plow a field, plant your barley and hops. After harvest you would take your Kernels and put them into a barrel full of water, then you just add your yeast close the lid, and let your beer compile. After all this you have what experts claim to be one of the Worlds Best Beers. Linux beers do not normally explode but many brewers have been known to. Linux beer is now available from some Micro Brewerys in handy pop top versions for easy drinking by beginner Unix or Linux beer drinkers. Keep your can openers handy.
AmigaDOS Beer
The company has gone out of business, but their recipe has been picked up by some weird German company, so now this beer will be an import. This beer never really sold very well because the original manufacturer didn't understand marketing. Like Unix Beer, AmigaDOS Beer fans are an extremely loyal and loud group. It originally came in a 16-oz. can, but now comes in 32-oz. cans too. When this can was originally introduced, it appeared flashy and colorful, but the design hasn't changed much over the years, so it appears dated now. Critics of this beer claim that it is only meant for watching TV anyway.
VMS Beer
Requires minimal user interaction, except for popping the top and sipping. However cans have been known on occasion to explode, or contain extremely un-beer-like contents. Best drunk in high pressure development environments. When you call the manufacturer for the list of ingredients, you're told that is proprietary and referred to an unknown listing in the manuals published by the FDA. Rumors are that this was once listed in the Physicians' Desk Reference as a tranquilizer, but no one can claim to have actually seen it.
A cowboy walks into a bar, a few miles West of Brokeback Mountain, and,
after two steps in, he realizes it's a gay bar.
"What the hell," he says to himself, "I really want a drink."
When the gay waiter approaches, he says to the cowboy, "What's the name
of your 'willy'?"
The cowboy says, "Look, I'm not into any of that. All I want is a
drink."
The gay waiter says, "I'm sorry but I can't serve you until you tell me
the name of your 'willy'. Mine for instance is called NIKE, for the
slogan 'Just Do It.'
That guy down at the end of the bar calls his SNICKERS, because 'It
really Satisfies."
The cowboy looks dumbfounded, so the bartender tells him he will give
him a second to think it over.
So the cowboy asks the man sitting to his left who is sipping on a beer,
"Hey bud, what's the name of yours?"
The man looks back and says with a smile, "TIMEX." The thirsty cowboy
asks, "Why Timex?" The fella proudly replies, " 'Cause it takes a
lickin' and keeps on tickin!'"
A little shaken, the cowboy turns to two fella's on his right, who
happen to be sharing a fruity Margarita and says, "So, what do you guys
call yours?"
The first man turns to him and proudly exclaims, "FORD, because
"'Quality is Job One." Then he adds, "Have you driven a Ford lately?"
The guy next to him then says, "I call mine CHEVY, 'Like a Rock!' And
gives a wink!
Even more shaken, the Cowboy has to think for a moment before he comes
up with a name for his manhood.
Finally, he turns to the bartender and exclaims, "The name of my 'willy'
is SECRET. Now give me a beer."
The bartender begins to pour the cowboy a beer, but with a puzzled look
asks, "Why Secret?"
The cowboy says, "Because it's 'STRONG ENOUGH FOR A MAN, BUT MADE FOR A
WOMAN
10 reasons why men prefer guns over women
#10. You can trade an old 44 for a new 22.
#9. You can keep one gun at home and have another for when you're on the
road.
#8. If you admire a friend's gun and tell him so, he will probably let you
try it out a few times.
#7. Your primary gun doesn't mind if you keep another gun for a backup.
#6. Your gun will stay with you even if you run out of ammo.
#5. A gun doesn't take up a lot of closet space.
#4. Guns function normally every day of the month.
#3. A gun doesn't ask, "Do these new grips make me look fat?"
#2. A gun doesn't mind if you go to sleep after you use it.
And the n umber one reason a gun is favored over a woman....
#1. YOU CAN BUY A SILENCER FOR A GUN
A new pastor was visiting in the homes of his
parishioners.
At one house it seemed obvious that someone was at home,
but no answer came to his repeated knocks at the door.
Therefore, he took out a business card and wrote
"Revelation 3:20"
on the back of it and stuck it in the door.
When the offering was processed the following
Sunday, he found that his card had been returned.
Added to it was this cryptic message,
"Genesis 3:10."
Reaching for his Bible to check out the citation, he
broke up in gales of laughter.
Revelation 3:20 begins "Behold, Istand at the door and
knock."
Genesis 3:10 reads, "I heard your voice in
the garden and I was afraid for I was naked."
The Jamaican Fireman
A Jamaican fireman came home from work one day and said to his wife,
Y'know sumptin womon, we have a wonderful new system at de fire station."
Bell 1 rings - we put on our jackets.
Bell 2 rings - we slide down de pole.
Bell 3 rings - we jump on de ingine and we's ready to go.
From now on womon, when I say, 'Bell one' I want you to strip naked.
When I say, 'Bell two' you jump on de bed. When I say, 'Bell three'
we's gonna mek love all tru de night girl."
The next night, he came home and shouted, "Bell One" and the wife
stripped naked! "Bell Two" and she jumped on the bed! "Bell Three"
and they started to make love!
After a few minutes, the wife yelled out, "Bell Four !!!!"
"WOMON .What de hell is 'Bell Four'?" he asked.
She replied, "Roll out more hose, man, you ain't nowhere near de fire
A retired Italian wine maker went to the village
church to make his
confession for the first time in many decades.
When the priest slid open the panel in the
confessional, the man said,
"Father, during World War II, a beautiful woman
knocked on my door and
asked me to hide her from the enemy. I hid her in
my attic."
The priest replied, "That was a wonderful thing
you did, my son! You have no need to confess it."
"It's worse than that, Father," he continued. "She
quickly started to repay me with sexual favors."
"People in wartime sometimes act in ways they
wouldn't under normal
conditions. If you are truly sorry for your
actions, you are forgiven."
"Thank you, Father. That's a great load off my
mind. May I ask a question?"
"What, my son?"
"Should I tell her the war is over?"
http://www.msplinks.com/MDFodHRwOi8vd3d3LnBpbXAtbXktcHJvZmlsZS5jb20vZ3JhcG hpY3Mvdmlldy5waHA/Zz0zMjImYz1GdW5ueStQaWN0dXJlcw==
sorry, picture is lost somewhere I think. Anyways, it was a picture of a reporter with his name underneath...."Willie Stroker"
After he got a 'C' in his exam in "Logistics and Organization", a junior executive on the MBA programmed goes and confronts his professor about it.
Student: "Sir, do you really understand anything about the subject?"
Professor: "Surely I must. Otherwise I would not be a professor!"
Student: "Great, well then I would like to ask you a question. If you can give me the correct answer, I will accept my marks as they are and go. If you don't, I want you give me an "A" for the exam. "
Professor: "Okay, sounds reasonable. So, what is the question?"
Student: "What is legal but not logical, logical but not legal, and neither logical nor legal?"
Even after some long and hard thought, the professor cannot figure out the answer and, therefore, changes his exam marks to an "A", as agreed.
Afterwards, the professor calls on his best student and asks him the same question.
He immediately answers: "It's quite simple, Sir. You are 63 years old and married to a 35 year old woman, which is legal but not logical. Your wife has a 25 year old lover which is logical but not legal.. That you have given your wife's lover an "A" when he really should have failed, is neither legal nor logical!"
In 1986, Mike Membre was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Northwestern University
On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Membre approached it very carefully.
He got down on one knee and inspected the elephant's foot and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it.
As carefully and as gently as he could, Membre worked the wood out with his hunting knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot. The elephant turned to face the man, and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments.
Membre stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away. Membre never forgot that elephant or the events of that day. Twenty years later, Membre was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teenaged son.
As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Membre and his son Cantri were standing. The large bull elephant stared at Membre, lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.
Remembering the encounter in 1986, Membre couldn't help wondering if this was the same elephant.
Membre summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder. The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Membre' s legs and raised him high into the air and slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly.
Probably wasn't the same elephant
Forget Rednecks, here is what Jeff Foxworthy has to say about folks from Texas ...
If someone in a Lowe's store offers you assistance and they don't work there, you may live in Texas.
If you've worn shorts and a parka at the same time, you may live in Texas.
If you've had a lengthy telephone conversation with someone who dialed a wrong number, you may live in Texas.
If "Vacation" means going anywhere south of Dallas for the weekend, you may live in Texas.
If you measure distance in hours, you may live in Texas.
If you know several people who have hit a deer more than once, you may live in Texas.
If you install security lights on your house and garage, but leave both unlocked, you may live in Texas.
If you carry jumper cables in your car and your wife knows how to use them, you may live in Texas.
If the speed limit on the highway is 55 mph -- you're going 80 and everybody is passing you, you may live in Texas.
If you find 60 degrees "a little chilly", you may live in Texas
This popped on my facebook list earlier this week, but in french/metric and with a lot of stuff turned around, like If you're finding 20° warm enough for shorts, you may live in Quebec.
Thanks for ruining my joke Beorn, sheesh, leave it to a bear.
And I question your sources: do Americans really leave anything unlocked, ever? DOORS?!
We leave our side door unlocked all day long. Just lock it when we go to bed. Can't remember the last time I locked my car door to be honest.
Locking the door when you go to bed is abnormal to me. Locking it when you go away is common mind you, but I know of no one that locks anything when they're around. Maybe my father's paranoid gf would, but she's off charts by our norms.
The Canadian Mountie was ambushed and captured by an enemy Indian war party.
The Indian Chief proclaims, "So, you are a great Canadian
Mountie. In honour of the Harvest Festival, you will be executed in three days.
But, before I kill you, I will grant you three requests.
What is your first request?"
The Canadian Mountie responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse.
The Chief nods and the horse is brought before the Canadian
Mountie, who whispers in his ear and the horse gallops away.
Later that evening, the horse returns with a beautiful blonde woman on his back.
As the Indian Chief watches, the blonde enters the Mountie's tent and spends the night.
The next morning the Indian Chief admits he's impressed.
"You have a very fine and loyal horse but I will still kill you in two days.
What is your second request?"
The Canadian Mountie again asks to speak to his horse.
The horse is brought to him, and he again whispers in the horse's ear.
As before, the horse takes off across the plains and disappears over the horizon. Later that evening, to the Chief's surprise, he again returns, this time with a brunette, even more attractive than the blonde.
She enters the Canadian Mountie's tent and spends the night.
The following morning the Indian Chief is again impressed.
"You are indeed a man of many talents but I still kill you tomorrow.
"What is your last request?"
The Canadian Mountie responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse .alone."
The Chief is curious but he agrees and the horse is brought once again to the Canadian Mountie's tent.
Once they're alone, the Canadian Mountie grabs his horse by both ears, looks him square in the eye and says, "Listen very carefully you dumb ass horse.
For the last time . . . BRING POSSE!!!!"
Paddy and his missus are lying in bed listening to the next door neighbours' dog barking.
It had been barking for hours and hours. Suddenly Paddy jumps up out of bed and says "I've had enough of this".
He goes downstairs. Paddy finally comes back up to bed and his wife says, "The dog is still barking. What have you been doing?"
Paddy says "I've put the dog in our yard . Fookin' see how THEY like it !"
A police question
Question: How do you tell the difference between:-
A New Zealand Police Officer, An Australian Police Officer and An American Police Officer?
To obtain the answer you must pose the following question to the Officer;
"You're walking down a deserted street with your wife and two small
children. Suddenly, a dangerous looking man with a huge knife comes
around the corner, locks eyes with you, screams obscenities, raises the knife, and charges.
You are carrying a Glock .40, and you are an expert shot. You have
mere seconds before he reaches you and your family. What do you do?"
NZ POLICE OFFICER'S Answer:
" Well, that's not enough information to answer the question!
Does the man look poor or oppressed?
Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack?
Could I possibly swing the gun like a club and knock the knife out of his hand?
What does the law say about this situation?
Does the Glock have appropriate safety built into it, am I using it in an OSH approved fashion?
Why am I carrying a loaded gun anyway, and what kind of message does this send to society and to my children?
If I raise my gun and he turns and runs away, Do I get blamed when he falls over running away, knocks his head and kills himself?
Will the NZ tax payer foot the bill for his ACC claim if I injure him?
If I shoot him, and lose the court case. Does he have the opportunity to sue me, cost me my job, my credibility and I will lose my family home?
Am I being culturally sensitive to the attacker if I shoot him, will I be offending his mana if I wound or kill him?
Will I have to defend myself in court as a racist if I shoot him? "
Australian Officer's Answer:
BANG!
American Officer's Answer
BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!
Click (changing magazine) BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!
romeothemonk
05-11-2007, 12:49
Pretty good, but I usually have heard this one as a Democrat, a Republican and a Hillbilly.
The world according to US
http://www.civ3duelzone.com/forum/uploaded/mauer/2007111802549_USA.JPG
61.18KB
Aren't you going to get into trouble for posting the presidents confidential foreign report he gets every morning [rotfl]
A woman was in town on a shopping trip. She began her day finding the most perfect shoes in the first shop and a beautiful dress on sale in the second.
In the third everything had just been reduced to a fiver when her mobile phone rang.
It was a female doctor notifying her that her husband had just been in a terrible accident and was in critical condition and in the ICU.
The woman told the doctor to inform her husband where she was and that she'd be there as soon as possible.
As she hung up she realized she was leaving what was shaping up to be her best day ever in the shops.
She decided to get in a couple of more shops before heading to the hospital.
She ended up shopping the rest of the morning, finishing her trip with a cup of coffee and a beautiful coffee slice complimentary from the last shop
She was jubilant. Then she remembered her husband.
Feeling guilty, she dashed to the hospital.
She saw the doctor in the corridor and asked about her Husband's condition.
The lady doctor glared at her and shouted, 'You went ahead and finished your shopping trip didn't you! I hope you're proud of yourself!
While you were out for the past four hours enjoying yourself in town, your husband has been languishing in the Intensive Care Unit!
It's just as well you went ahead and finished, because it will be more than likely the last shopping trip you ever take!
For the rest of his life he will require round the clock care. And you'll now be his carer!'
The woman was feeling so guilty she broke down and sobbed...........
The lady doctor then chuckled and said, 'I'm just pulling your leg.
He's dead. What did you buy?'
Ahmed and Hamid are both beggars at several motorway services.
Ahmed drives a Mercedes, lives in a mortgage free house and has a lot of money to spend .
Hamid only brings in 2 to 3 pounds a day.
Hamid asks Ahmed how he manages to bring home a suitcase full of £10 notes every day.
Ahmed says, "Look at your sign - It says, 'I have no work, a wife and six kids to support.' Britons who see that, do not feel as if they have accomplished anything by giving you money. You will still have no job and a large family. Now look at my sign."
So Hamid looks and Ahmed's sign reads, 'I only need another £10 to move back to Pakistan.'
Good stuff....
http://i3.photobucket.com/albums/y71/mumo/game.gif
> > A lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a
> > sheriff's deputy. He thinks that he is smarter than
> > the deputy because he is a lawyer from New York and
> > is certain that he has a better education then any
> > cop from Texas. He decides to prove this to himself
> > and have some fun at the Texas deputy's expense!!
> > Deputy says," License and registration,
> > please."Lawyer says, "What for?"Deputy says, "You
> > didn't come to a complete stop at the stop
> > sign."Lawyer says, "I slowed down, and no one was
> > coming." Deputy says, "You still didn't come to a
> > complete stop. License and registration,
> > please."Lawyer says, "What's the difference?"Deputy
> > says, "The difference is, you have to come to
> > complete stop, that's the law. License and
> > registration, please!" Lawyer says, "If you can show
> > me the legal difference between slow down and stop,
> > I'll give you my license and registration; and you
> > give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't
> > give me the ticket."
> >
> > Deputy says, "Sounds fair. Exit your vehicle,
> > sir."The deputy takes out his nightstick and starts
> > beating the ever-loving shit out of the lawyer and
> > says, "Do you want me to stop, or just slow down?"
>
I'm sure you have heard the term, "INDEPENDENT FRONTSUSPENSION," but not many know exactly what it means. When one frontwheel of avehicle hits a bump or pothole, it will move up or down to compensate while theother wheel remains steady. Both wheels are independent of each other, hence that expression.
Watch the linked video, a German commercial for the Nissan Pathfinder,to find out exactly how this works. This gives a moving experience whichshould benefit your understanding of this piece of engineering.
Best explanation I've ever seen.
Those Germans have better ads than we do. ..
http://au.youtube.com/watch?v=y2YQjAz-4OM
socralynnek
07-01-2008, 13:25
Germans have better ads?
That's the funniest joke I have ever heard...
Maybe 1 per year is funny...
The Good Husband
Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company's Christmas Party. Jack is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn't taste like alcohol at all. He didn't even remember how he got home from the party. As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong.
Jack had to force himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose! Jack sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house.
He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror. Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in lipstick:
"Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to get groceries to make you your favorite dinner tonight. I love you, darling! Love, Jillian"
He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating.
Jack asks, "Son... what happened last night?"
"Well, you came home after 3 A. M., drunk and out of your mind. You fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door.
Confused, he asked his son, "So, why is everything in such perfect order and so clean? I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me??"
His son replies, "Oh THAT!... Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, "Leave me alone, I'm married!!"
This is the funniest ad i've ever seen. Screw Political Correctness.
http://au.youtube.com/watch?v=FPGSs56lZEQ
10 signs you might be a Taliban
10. You refine heroin for a living, but you have
a moral objection to beer.
9. You own a $300 machine gun and a $5,000
rocket launcher, but you can't afford shoes.
8. You have more wives than teeth.
7. You think vests come in two styles:
bullet-proof and suicide.
6. You can't think of anyone you HAVEN'T
declared Jihad against.
5. You consider television dangerous, but
routinely carry ammunition in your robe.
4. You've never been asked, "Does this burka
make my butt look fat?"
3. You were amazed to discover that cell phones
have uses other than setting off roadside bombs.
2. You've never uttered the phrase, "I love what
you've done with your cave."
And, the NUMBER ONE SIGN you might be a member
of the Taliban...
1. You wipe your ass with your bare hand, but
consider bacon unclean.
While walking down the street one day a US senator is tragically hit by a truck and dies.
His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.
"Welcome to heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts,
you see, so we're not sure what to do with you."
"No problem, just let me in," says the man.
"Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you
can choose where to spend eternity."
"Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven," says the senator.
"I'm sorry, but we have our rules."
And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell. The doors open and he finds himself
in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him.
Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people.
They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar ! and champagne.
Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a
good time that before he realizes it, it is time to go.
Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises...
The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him.
"Now it's time to visit heaven."
So, 24 hours pass with the senator joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.
"Well, then, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose your eternity."
The senator reflects for a minute, then he answers: "Well, I would never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in hell."
So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell.
Now the doors of the elevator open and he's in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage.
He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more trash falls from above.
The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder.
"I don't understand," stammers the senator. "Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable. What happened?"
The devil looks at him, smiles and says, "Yesterday we were campaigning...... Today you voted."
When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take it out on someone, don't take it out on someone you know, take it out on someone you don't know. I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I'd forgotten to make. I found the number and dialed it.
A man answered, saying 'Hello.'
I politely said, 'This is Chris. Could I please speak with Robyn Carter?'Suddenly a manic voice yelled out in my ear 'Get the right f***ing number!' and the phone was slammed down on me. I couldn't believe that anyone could be so rude .
When I tracked down Robyn's correct number to call her, I found that I had accidentally transposed the last two digits. After hanging up with her, I decided to call the 'wrong' number again.When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled 'You're an asshole!' and hung up.
I wrote his number down with the word 'asshole' next to it, and put it in my desk drawer. Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a really bad day, I'd call him up and yell, 'You're an asshole!' It always cheered me up.
When Caller ID was introduced, I thought my therap- eutic 'asshole' calling would have to stop. So, I called his number and said, 'Hi, this is John Smith from the telephone company. I'm calling to see if you're familiar with our Caller ID Program?'He yelled 'NO!' and slammed down the phone. I quickly called him back and said, 'That's because you're an asshole!' and hung up.
One day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into a parking Spot. Some guy in a black BMW cut me off and pulled into the spot I had patiently waited for. I hit the horn and yelled that I'd been wait ing for that spot, but the idiot ignored me. I noticed a 'For Sale ' sign in his back window, so I wrote down his number. A couple of days later, right after calling the first asshole (I had is number on speed dial,) I thought that I'd better call the BMW asshole, too.
I said, 'Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?' He said, 'Yes, it is.'
I asked, 'Can you tell me where I can see it?' He said, 'Yes, I live at 34 Oaktree Blvd , in Fairfax . It's a yellow ranch, and the car's parked right out in front.'
I asked, 'What's your name?' He said, 'My name is Don Hansen,'
I asked, 'When's a good time to catch you, Don?' He said, 'I'm home every evening after five.'
I said, 'Listen, Don, can I tell you something?'
He said, 'Yes?'
I said, 'Don, you're an asshole!'
Then I hung up, and added his number to my speed dial, too.
Now, when I had a problem, I had two assholes to call.
Then I came up with an idea. I called asshole #1. He said, 'Hello.' I said, 'You're an asshole!' (But I didn't hang up.) He asked, 'Are you still there?'
I said, 'Yeah,'
He screamed, 'Stop calling me,'
I said, 'Make me,'
He asked, 'Who are you?'
I said, 'My name is Don Hansen.'
He said, 'Yeah? Where do you live?'
I said, 'Asshole, I live at 34 Oaktree Blvd , in Fairfax , a yellow ranch, I have a black Beamer parked in front.'
He said, 'I'm coming over right now, Don. And you had better start saying your prayers.'
I said, 'Yeah, like I'm really scared, asshole,' and hung up.
Then I called Asshole #2. He said, 'Hello?' I said, 'Hello, asshole,'
He yelled, 'If I ever find out who you are...'
I said, 'You'll what?'
He exclaimed, 'I'll kick your ass,'
I answered, 'Well, asshole, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now.'
Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I lived at 34 Oaktree Blvd , in Fairfax , and that I was on my way over there to kill my gay lover.
Then I called Channel 9 News about the gang war going down in Oaktree Blvd. in Fairfax .
I quickly got into my car and headed over to Fairfax . I got there just in time to watch two assholes beating the crap out of each other in front of six cop cars, an overhead news helicopter and surrounded by a news crew.
NOW I feel much better. Anger management really does work.
Shabbaman
09-04-2008, 14:22
Only in Texas ;)
Married Life
Three women: one engaged, one married, and one a mistress, chatting about their relationships and decide to amaze their men....that night all three will wear a leather bodice S&M style, stilettos and mask over their eyes .
After a few days they meet again.....
The engaged girlfriend said: 'The other night, when my boyfriend came back home, he found me in the leather bodice, 4' stilettos and mask. He said, 'You are the woman of my life, I love you, then we made love all night long.'
The mistress stated: 'Oh Yes! The other night we met in the office. I was wearing the leather bodice, mega stilettos, mask over my eyes and a raincoat. When I opened the raincoat, he didn' say a word. We just had wild sex all night.'
The married one then said: 'The other night I sent the kids to stay at my mothers for the night, I got myself ready, leather bodice, super stilettos and mask over my eyes. My husband came in from work, grabbed the TV controller and a beer, and said, 'Hey Batman, what's for dinner ?'
Tubby Rower
23-06-2008, 16:15
A man and his wife were awakened at 3:00 am by a loud pounding on the door. The
man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the
pouring rain, is asking for a push.
"Not a chance," says the husband, "it is 3:00 in the
morning!"
He slams the door and returns to bed.
"Who was that?" asked his wife.
"Just some drunk guy asking for a push." he answers.
"Did you help him?" she asks.
"No, I did not, it is 3:00 in the morning and it is pouring rain out
there!"
"Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Can't you
remember about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped
us? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!"
The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain.
He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"
"Yes," comes back the answer.
"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.
"Yes, please!" came the reply from the dark.
"Where are you?" asks the husband.
"Over here on the swing." replied the drunk.
A rich man living in Darwin decided that he wanted to throw a party and invited all of his buddies and neighbours. He also invited Geoffrey, the only aboriginal in the neighbourhood.
He held the party around the pool in the backyard of his mansion. Everyone was having a good time drinking, dancing, eating prawns, oysters and BBQ and flirting. At the height of the party, the host said, 'I have a 15ft man-eating crocodile in my pool and I'll give a million dollars to anyone who has the balls to jump in.
The words were barely out of his mouth when there was a loud splash and everyone turned around and saw Geoffrey in the pool! Geoffrey was fighting the croc and kicking its ass! Geoffrey was jabbing the croc in the eyes with his thumbs, throwing punches, doing all kinds of stuff, like head butts and chokeholds, biting the croc on the tail and flipping the crocthrough the air like some kind of Judo Instructor.
The water was churning and splashing everywhere. Both Geoffrey and the croc were screaming and raising hell. Finally Geoffrey strangled the croc and let it float to the top like a goldfish. Geoffrey then slowly climbed out of the pool. Everybody was just staring at him in disbelief.
Finally the host says, 'Well, Geoffrey, I reckon I owe you a million dollars.'
'Nah, you all right, I don't want it.' said Geoffrey
The rich man said 'Man, I have to give you something. You won the bet. How about half a million bucks then?'
'No thanks. I don't want it.' answered Geoffrey.
The host said 'Come on, I insist on giving you something. That was amazing. How about a new Porsche and a Rolex and some stock options?'
Again Geoffrey said no.
Confused, the rich man asked, 'Well Geoffrey, then what do you want?'
Geoffrey said, 'I want the name of the cunt who pushed me in the pool!'
Rik Meleet
09-07-2008, 22:11
Continuing on the Aboriginal theme; a political incorrect one.
Why aren't there any Aboriginals in the Star Trek series?
Because they won't work in the future either.
Found it, Mauer:
http://www.fugly.com/media/IMAGES/Funny/Willie_Stroker.jpg
http://www.civ3duelzone.com/forum/uploaded/Robi D/2008920105336_buttons.jpg
34.01KB
Classic[lol]
http://www.civ3duelzone.com/forum/uploaded/Robi D/2008920181450_grannyletter.jpg
47.39KB
> > Susie, a blonde Texas city girl, marries a Texas
> > rancher. One morning, on his way out to check on the
> > cows, the rancher says to Amy, "The insemination man
> > is coming over to impregnate one of our cows today.
> > I drove a nail into the two-by-four just above the
> > cow's stall in the barn. You show him where the cow
> > is when he gets here, okay?"
> >
> > So the rancher leaves for the fields. After a while,
> > the artificial insemination man arrives and knocks
> > on the front door. Amy takes him down to the barn
> > They walk along the row of cows and when she sees
> > the nail, she tells him, "This is the one..right
> > here." Terribly impressed by what he seemed to think
> > just might be another ditzy blonde, the man asks,
> > "Tell me little lady, how did you know this is the
> > cow to be bred?
> >
> > "That's simple. By the nail over its stall," Amy
> > explains very confidently.
> > Then the man asks, "What's the nail for?"
> >
> > She turns to walk away, and with complete
> > confidence, says:
> > "I guess it's to hang your pants on....."
Been a while since i posted one...
A chicken farmer went to a local bar. He sat next to a good-looking woman and ordered a glass of champagne.
The woman perks up and says, "How about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne too!"
"What a coincidence," the farmer says, "This is a special day for me.. I am celebrating."
"This is a special day for me too. I am also celebrating," says the woman.
"What a coincidence!" says the farmer.
As they clinked glasses, the man asked, "What are you celebrating?"
"My husband and I have been trying to have a child, and today my gynecologist told me that I am pregnant!"
"What a coincidence,' says the man, 'I'm a chicken farmer and for years all of my hens were infertile, but today
they are all laying fertilized eggs."
"That's great!" says the woman, 'How did your chickens become fertile?"
"I used a different cock." he replied.
The woman smiled and said, "What a coincidence....!"
romeothemonk
22-03-2009, 12:58
Nice. I missed seeing these after a while.
Everyone - please be patient and read it to the end... it is worth it!
A guy has spent five years travelling all around the world making a documentary on Native dances. At the end of this time, he has every single native dance of every indigenous culture in the world on film. He winds up in Australia, in Alice Springs, so he pops into a pub for a well earned beer. He gets talking to one of the local Aborigines and tells him about his project.
The Aborigine asks the guy what he thought of the "Butcher Dance."
The guy's a bit confused and says, "Butcher Dance? What's that?"
"What? You no see Butcher Dance?"
"No, I've never heard of it."
"Oh mate. You crazy. How you say you film every native dance if you no see Butcher Dance?"
"Umm. I got a corroborree on film just the other week. Is that what you mean?"
"No no, not corroborree. Butcher Dance much more important than corroborree."
"Oh, well how can I see this Butcher Dance then?"
"Mate, Butcher Dance right out bush. Many days travel to go see Butcher Dance."
"Look, I've been everywhere from the forests of the Amazon, to deepest darkest Africa, to the frozen wastes of the Arctic filming these dances. Nothing will prevent me from recording this one last dance."
"OK, mate. You drive north along highway towards Darwin. After you drive 197 miles, you see dirt track veer off to left. Follow dirt track for 126 miles 'til you see big huge dead gum tree - biggest tree you ever see. Here you gotta leave the car, because much too rough for driving.
You strike out due west into setting sun. You walk 3 days 'til you hit creek. You follow this creek to Northwest. After 2 days you find where creek flows out of rocky mountains. Much too difficult to cross mountains here though. You now head south for half day 'til you see pass through mountains.
Pass very difficult and very dangerous. Take 2, maybe 3 days to get through rocky pass. When through, head northwest for 4 days 'til reach big huge rock - 20 ft high and shaped like man's head. From rock, walk due west for 2 days and you find camp. Here you see Butcher Dance."
So the guy grabs his camera crew and equipment and heads out. After a couple of hours he finds the dirt track. The track is in a shocking state and he's forced to crawl along at a snails pace and so he doesn't reach the tree until dusk and he's forced to set up camp for the night.
He sets out bright and early the following morning. His spirits are high and he's excited about the prospect of capturing on film this mysterious dance which he had never heard mention of before.
True to the directions he has been given, he reaches the creek after three days and follows it for another two until they reach the rocky mountains. The merciless sun is starting to take its toll by this time and his spirits are starting to flag, but wearily he trudges on until he finds the pass through the hills - nothing will prevent him from completing his life's dream.
The mountains prove to be every bit as treacherous as their guide said and at times they almost despair of getting their bulky equipment through. But after three and a half days of back breaking effort they finally force their way clear and continue their long trek.
When they reach the huge rock, four days later, their water is running low and their feet are covered with blisters. Yet they steel themselves and head out on the last leg of their journey.
Two days later they virtually stagger into the camp where the men feed them and give them fresh water. They begin to feel like new men.
Once he's recovered enough, the guy goes before the head man and tells him that he has come to film their Butcher Dance.
"Oh mate. Very bad you come today. Butcher Dance last night. You too late. You miss dance."
"Well, when do you hold the next dance?"
"Not 'til next year."
"Well, I've come all this way. Couldn't you just hold an extra dance for me, tonight?"
"No, no, no! Butcher Dance very special to the spirits. Only hold once a year. If hold more, they get very angry and destroy us! You want see Butcher Dance you come back next year."
The guy is devastated, but he has no other option but to head back to civilization and back home.
The following year, he heads back to Australia and, determined not to miss out again, sets out a week earlier than last time. He is quite willing to spend a week in the camp before the dance is performed in order to ensure he is present to witness it. However, right from the start things go wrong.
Heavy rains that year have turned the dirt track to mud and the car gets bogged every few miles, finally forcing them to abandon their vehicles and slog through the mud on foot almost half the distance to the tree.
They reach the creek and the mountains without any further hitch, but halfway through the ascent of the mountain they are struck by a fierce storm which rages for several days, during which they are forced to cling forlornly to the mountainside until it subsides. It would be suicide to attempt to scale the treacherous paths in the face of such savage elements.
Then, before they have travelled a mile out from the mountains, one of the crew sprains his ankle badly which slows down the rest of their journey enormously, to the rock and then the camp.
Eventually, having lost all sense of how long they have been travelling, they stagger into the camp at about 12:00 noon.
"The Butcher Dance!" gasps the guy. "Please don't tell me I'm too late!"
The head man recognizes him and says "No, white fella. Butcher Dance performed tonight. You come just in time."
Relieved beyond measure, the crew spends the rest of the afternoon setting up their equipment - preparing to capture the night's ritual on celluloid as dusk falls, the men start to cover there bodies in ochre and adorn themselves in all manner of bird's feathers and animal skins.
Once darkness has settled fully over the land, the men form a circle around a huge roaring fire.
A deathly hush descends over performers and spectators alike as a wizened old figure with elaborate swirling designs covering his entire body enters the circle and begins to chant. Some sort of witch doctor or medicine man, figures the guy and he whispers to the head man, "What's he doing?"
"Hush," whispers the head man. "You first white man ever to see most sacred of our rituals. Must remain silent. Kadaicha man, he asks that the spirits of the dreamtime watch as we demonstrate our devotion to them through our dance and, if they like our dancing, will they be so gracious as to watch over us and protect us for another year."
The chanting of the Kadaicha man reaches a stunning crescendo before he moves himself from the circle. From somewhere the rhythmic pounding of clap sticks booms out across the land and the men begin to sway to the stirring rhythm.
The guy is becoming caught up in the fervor of the moment himself. This is it. He now realizes beyond all doubt that his wait has not been in vain. He is about to witness the ultimate performance of rhythm and movement ever conceived by mankind.
The head man strides to his position in the circle and, in a big booming voice, starts to sing,
He says, "You butch yer right arm in. You butch yer right arm out. You butch yer right arm in and you shake it all about..."
A vampire bat came flapping in from the night, face all covered in
fresh blood and parked himself on the roof of the cave to get some
sleep.
Pretty soon all the other bats smelled the blood & began hassling him
about where he got it. He told them to piss off & let him get some
sleep, but they persisted until he finally gave in.
"OK, follow me", he said & flew out of the cave with hundreds of excited
bats behind him.
Down through a valley they went, across a river & into a huge forest.
Finally he slowed down & all the other bats excitedly milled
around him, tongues hanging out for blood. "Do you see that
large oak tree over there?" he asked.
"YES, YES, YES!!!" the bats all screamed in a frenzy.
"Good for you!" said the bat, "Because I fucking didn't."
Shabbaman
07-04-2009, 09:22
Last week I was sick and I barely couldn't read that butcher song joke, since it's so fucking long, tl;dr. But I still don't get it.
Last week I was sick and I barely couldn't read that butcher song joke, since it's so fucking long, tl;dr. But I still don't get it.
Its the Hokey-Pokey with a bad accent:)
Its the Hokey-Pokey with a bad accent:)
It's great [:)]
Can't help but laugh:)
http://img27.imageshack.us/img27/2169/goodeffort.png (http://img27.imageshack.us/my.php?image=goodeffort.png)
Can't help but laugh:)
http://img27.imageshack.us/img27/2169/goodeffort.png (http://img27.imageshack.us/my.php?image=goodeffort.png)
[:O]
I wonder if his kids are actually his kids in that case!
They're not. Look harder, mauer. [tongue]
"The doctor's announcement that Maus was also sterile shocked everyone except his wife, who was forced to confess that Maus was not the real father of their two children."
Doh! skimming, and missed it.
Shabbaman
15-04-2009, 15:18
Bwahahaha, what a morons :D
barbu1977
15-04-2009, 15:21
Funny and sad at the same time.
Funny and sad at the same time.
It is sad but at least the guy knows his wife a cheater.
And he got to bonk his friends wife 72 times;)
Well, that's the best part: being paid $2,500 to hump a beauty queen.
Doesn't that compensate the fact that his wife cheated on him and his kids aren't his own...? http://www.straland.com/images/smilies/twitch.gif
Well, that's the best part: being paid $2,500 to hump a beauty queen.
Doesn't that compensate the fact that his wife cheated on him and his kids aren't his own...? http://www.straland.com/images/smilies/twitch.gif
As important as sex is...lol...how terribly sad it would be to find out your children are not your children.
As important as sex is...lol...how terribly sad it would be to find out your children are not your children.
It is, but at least its better knowing then not knowing.
Also if his friend was smart he would sue the cheating wife instead as she knew her husband was sterile. That would satisfy karma all round:)
romeothemonk
16-04-2009, 13:21
You know, I saw this a couple of days ago on another site, but the more I think about this, the more I can't get my mind around it.
Perhaps marriage means different things to different folks, but this is just weird.
There is some great irony to it though, and that is pretty funny.
Shabbaman
16-04-2009, 15:08
I can imagine that getting kids is very important to you, but I don't understand why they wouldn't try something like IVF instead. This story sounds like a big fat hoax.
A commentator after the Champions League final:
"And there's [Italian] prime minister Berlusconi. His girlfriend is not present. Perhaps she has a school party."
Lt. Killer M
29-05-2009, 13:20
This story smells fake to me. Traute, Herr Maus...... that's the names an American or Brit would dream up.
Funny story but I suspect a hoax as well. I think the commentator's remark is good fun also.
Proudly showing off his newly-leased downtown apartment to a couple of friends late one night, a drunk Maori led the way to his bedroom where there was a big brass gong hanging on the wall.
'What's that big brass gong for?' one of the friend's asked.
'Issss nod a gong. Issss a talking Australian clock' he drunkenly replied.
'A talking Australian clock - seriously?'
'Yup.' 'Hmmm (hic).'
'How's it work?' the second friend asked, squinting at it.
'Just watch' he said.
He picked up a hammer, gave the gong an 'ear-shattering bash' and stepped back.
His three mates stood looking at one another for a moment in astounded silence.
Suddenly, a Australian voice from the other side of the wall screamed,
'For f*#k's sake, you stupid c*nt . It's ten past three in the f*#king morning !!!'
(For the non-aussies just think FA Cup Final or Superbowl)
It's the AFL Grand final and a man makes his way to his seat. He sits down, noticing that the seat next to him is empty.
He leans over and asks his neighbour if someone will be sitting there.
'No,' says the neighbour. 'The seat is empty.' 'This is incredible', said the man.
'Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for AFL Grand final and not use it?'
The neighbour says 'Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first AFL Grand final we haven't been to together since we got married in 1967.'
'Oh .... I'm sorry to hear that mate. That's terrible. But couldn't you find someone else, a friend or relative, or even a neighbour to take the seat?'
The man shakes his head 'No, they're all at the funeral.'
An armed hold-up man bursts into the Bank of Ireland and forces the tellers to load a sack full of cash. On his way out the door with the loot one brave Irish customer grabs the hood and pulls it off revealing the robber's face. The robber shoots the guy without hesitation! He then looks around the bank to see if anyone else has seen him. One of the tellers is looking straight at him and the robber shoots him also. Everyone by now is very scared and looking down at the floor. “Did anyone else see my face?” calls the robber. There are a few moments of silence, then one elderly Irish gent tentatively raises his hand and says:
"I think my wife may have caught a glimpse" .
http://tommycp.kicks-ass.org/divhost/NiCOD2.png
The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid-term.
Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?
Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.
One student, however, wrote the following:
First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.
This gives two possibilities:
1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.
2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.
So which is it? If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, "It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you," and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct...leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting "Oh my God."
THIS STUDENT RECEIVED THE ONLY "A".
I call this the definition of irony
http://img194.imageshack.us/img194/2692/psychic.jpg
You would think someone should have known
Shabbaman
06-02-2010, 10:46
Nice :D
Been a while since the last entry:o
The kids filed back into class Monday morning. They were very excited.
Their weekend assignment was to sell something, then give a talk on productive salesmanship.
Little Sally led off: "I sold girl scout cookies and I made $30," she
said proudly, "My sales approach was to appeal to the customer's civil spirit
and I credit that approach for my obvious success."
"Very good," said the teacher.
Little Jenny was next:
"I sold magazines," she said, "I made $45 and I explained to everyone
that magazines would keep them up on current events."
"Very good, Jenny," said the teacher.
Eventually, it was Little Johnny's turn. The teacher held her breath...
Little Johnny walked to the front of the classroom and dumped a box
full of cash on the teacher's desk. "$2,467" he said.
"$2,467!" cried the teacher, "What in the world were you selling?"
"Toothbrushes," said Little Johnny.
"Toothbrushes!" echoed the teacher, "How could you possibly sell enough
tooth brushes to make that much money?"
"I found the busiest corner in town," said Little Johnny, "I set up a
Dip & Chip stand and gave everybody who walked by a free sample."
They all said the same thing, "Hey, this tastes like dog shit!"
Then I would say, "It is dog shit. Wanna buy a toothbrush?"
"I used the governmental approach of giving you something shitty for
free, and then making you pay to get the taste out of your mouth."
When Insults Had Class
These glorious insults are from an era before the English language got boiled down
to 4-letter words.
The exchange between Churchill & Lady Astor:
She said, "If you were my husband I'd give you poison."
He said, "If you were my wife, I'd drink it."
A member of Parliament to Disraeli: "Sir, you will either die on the gallows or of some unspeakable disease."
"That depends, Sir," said Disraeli, "whether I embrace your policies or your mistress."
"He had delusions of adequacy." - Walter Kerr
"He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire." - Winston Churchill
"I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure." Clarence Darrow
"He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary." - William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway).
"Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time reading it." - Moses Hadas
"I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it." - Mark Twain
"He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends.." - Oscar Wilde
"I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend.... if you have one." - George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill
"Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second.... if there is one." - Winston Churchill, in response.
"I feel so miserable without you; it's almost like having you here." - Stephen Bishop
"He is a self-made man and worships his creator." - John Bright
"I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial." - Irvin S. Cobb
"He is not only dull himself; he is the cause of dullness in others." - Samuel Johnson
"He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up." - Paul Keating
"In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily." - Charles, Count Talleyrand
"He loves nature in spite of what it did to him." - Forrest Tucker
"Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?" - Mark Twain
"His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork." - Mae West
"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go.." - Oscar Wilde
"He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts... for support rather than illumination." - Andrew Lang (1844-1912)
"He has Van Gogh's ear for music." - Billy Wilder
"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it." - Groucho Marx
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